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1. The seventeen furious pumps of fury Lawrence gave Issa during their break-up "sex" on Insecure

2. The rumored text (“Congratulations, I’ll pray for our child”) Anthony Scaramucci sent his soon to be ex-wife when their child was born last week and he was out tanning with Donald Trump instead of in the delivery room

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(Apparently there's some doubt about whether this text actually happened. Regardless of the truth, I'll continue to believe that it did.)

3. Steve Bannon's cock, according to Anthony Scaramucci

4. How long it took me, just now in a text I was sending, to spell "similar" correctly without the aid of spellcheck

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5. The number of fucks discarded, in the last six months, by Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, and Lady Olenna Tyrell

6. The number of unread messages in the GroupMe chat group you joined 23 months ago and haven't checked in 22 months but can't delete because you don't know how to and don't feel like learning and you actually enjoy complaining about it more than doing anything about it

7. The number of Kappas ordering tailored sweater vests from Bonobos at any given moment

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8. The median toenail length of niggas who rock bluetooth headsets to baby showers and Applebee's

9. The length of the premium-grade, gluten-free White Tears you'll find underneath harvest festival cancellation status messages, in Serena Williams's Twitter mentions, and on Facebook when this is published

10. The faces of Trump supporters today, still attempting to justify their support of this clusterfuck of an administration