A List of Things Much Better (and Safer!) Than Water to Throw at Stupid, Silly, Dangerous Racists

Screenshot: Fox News

Someone threw some water at sentient box of racist baking soda Tomi Lahren, and the question of whether it was a justifiable act is now apparently such a thing that our loose-bootied-ass president even saw fit to weigh in.

Personally, I believe it was an inappropriate act. Although Toenail Laryngitis is a hateful and ghoulish little twit, people die in water every day. She could’ve drowned!


That in mind, here’s a list of better and more appropriate (and safer!) things to hurl at stupid, silly and dangerous racist motherfuckers:

  1. Couscous
  2. A bag of leaves
  3. Ground pepper
  4. Printed-out Bari Weiss columns
  5. The Dominican flag
  6. Fingernail clippings
  7. The paper wrapped around bottles of kombucha
  8. Dead bumblebees
  9. Bubbles
  10. Coconut water (because there’s literally no other good use for it)
  11. Thai-style crab fried rice
  12. Yaki No. 12 jet black
  13. Autographed photos of Wynton Marsalis
  14. A really hard glare that’s meant to communicate deep disappointment
  15. A broken Life Alert call button
  16. A bracelet made of Cheerios and baby saliva
  17. Marriott Rewards continental breakfast sausage gravy
  18. A bucket of glitter
  19. A lampshade
  20. Feathers randomly dipped in butter

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About the author

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB and a columnist for GQ.com. His debut memoir in essays, What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins), is available for preorder.