A List of Things That Are Definitely Racist

i don’t know what this is, but I know it’s definitely racist. (iStock)
i don’t know what this is, but I know it’s definitely racist. (iStock)

1. Pittsburgh potholes

(Related: On the way to see Black Panther Friday night, I hit a pothole and got a flat. Fortunately, I was a quarter mile away from a gas station, so I was able to drive there and park my car. From there I caught an Uber to the theater, watched the 2-hour-and-15-minute-long film, got a ride back to the car after the movie (at 1 a.m.) and waited for the tow truck to get there at 2. Nothing, not even racist-ass “MAGA” potholes, was going to stop me from seeing Black Panther.)


2. Cold weather

3. Flaccid potato salad

4. Lines

5. Being put on hold during a call to customer care

6. Roaches

7. That thing that happens when the drawstring of your sweatpants disappears on one side and you need a bobby pin or something to fish it back out

8. When the hot water gives out while you’re taking a shower, and you’re already wet and soapy, so it’s too late for you to get out and wait for the heat to come back

9. When you go through the drive-thru at fast-food places before closing and they inform you that they’ve stopped making the thing that they make because they’ve turned off the ovens and fryers

10. My autocorrect, which for some reason has started to change “how’s” to “hoes”

11. The tiny drop of pee that always seems to find its way onto my new Tims within a week of my buying them


12. Brain freeze headaches

13. My abs

14. Traffic

15. Any group number after 5 when I’m waiting to board an American Airlines flight


16. Couscous

17. Acne

18. Jogging

19. Plantar fasciitis

20. Black ice

21. Sweater vests

22. Herpes

23. Turkey bacon

24. The name “Susan”

25. Metabolism

26. Gravity (for keeping niggas down)

27. Boiled hot dogs

28. When you put all of the guards and toilet paper on public toilets before sitting on them, only for everything to fall off or blow away right when you’re about to sit


29. Restaurants that give you blue cheese instead of ranch with your wings and then act like it’s no big deal, as if there is no difference between the two

30. White people

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)


Beckaroo Banzai

What is that culinary abomination?!?