A List of Things the Tenaha, Texas Police Department Can Do With the $70 They 'Seized' In a 'Drug Bust' Last Week

Photo: Tenaha Police Department (Facebook)

1. Buy five whole orders of the surprisingly filling Vietnamese Shrimp Summer Rolls at The Cheesecake Factory.

2. Catch a Greyhound from Pittsburgh to Hampton, Va., on Friday the 14th—but only if you book the trip in the next two hours and use the code GREY4CHAR.

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3. Pay the parking ticket I got last month and keep meaning to contest (the meter on the block was broken) but keep forgetting to.

4. Cop like seven more packs of organic oregano or cilantro or whatever the fuck that is in those Ziplock bags.

5. Have enough to buy 70 more bottles of water, just so that lonely ass bottle on the table will have some homies.

6. Lease some square footage on that Kevin Hart hill some of y’all niggas seem determined to die dumb-ass deaths on.

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7. Get a Bronze Season Pass to Kennywood Park, allowing you free admission until Sept. 15, 2019. (Unfortunately, not included in this price is the amusement tax and processing fee. You’ll have to cover that yourself.)

8. Buy the silverware set this guy who is sitting across from me right now is using to eat his bacon.

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9. Give Sisqo 10 dollars for each beach backflip he does in the “Thong Song” video.

10. Get seven more bags of the bite-sized Snickers from Halloween that I told my daughter are all gone but are really just stashed behind some jars of green beans in a kitchen cabinet so I can continue to wait until she goes to bed before I eat one.

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About the author

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB and a columnist for GQ.com. His debut memoir in essays, What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins), is available for preorder.