Photo: Deagreez (iStock)

I witnessed some very nice white peoples on the internet this week who were adamant that they haven’t personally benefitted from America’s history of racism and also felt that the distinctions between those who have and those who haven’t should be acknowledged.

So, full disclosure: I’ve been on a high-fiber kick recently, which has 1) made me quite regular and 2) left me feeling quite magnanimous. I am as free and as light as a motherfucking hummingbird. And because of this unusual magnanimity, I have decided to oblige them. Here is a list of the surefire ways for us to know if a white American has been helped, in any way, by America’s legacy of intentional anti-blackness.

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1. They were born at any time between maybe 1650 and literally the second that just passed.

2. They’re breathing.

3. They’re perhaps not breathing right now, but they lived long enough to draw at least one breath in America.

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4. They have, at one point in their lives, said things like “Hi” and “Excuse me” and “Excuse me?” and “Does this come in a medium?”

5. They were born after a person who has sperm was generous enough to donate that sperm to a person who has eggs and shit, and the person who has eggs and shit was like “Oh ... sperm. Thank you. I just ran out of this.” And then that sperm and those eggs and shit got together and made some quiche.

6. They’ve already seen Succession.

7. They haven’t yet seen Succession, but they cleared some space next Tuesday evening to binge.

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8. They’re not really that interested in seeing Succession, but they just want to be a part of the conversations about it.

9. They don’t plan on seeing Succession.

10. They’ve never heard of Succession. In fact, if you bring up Succession to them, their response will be “Success deez nuts.”

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Anyway, if you are a white person who has not experienced any of this, then perhaps you have not personally benefitted from America’s history of racism. I hope that this helps.