0:01: The camera pans down a spiral staircase as we’re greeted with a bubbly and aggressively southern voice that we soon learn belongs to Beyoncé Knowles, the lead singer of Destiny’s Child. And if we weren’t quite sure that she’s the leader, her entire stomach is out. Only leaders are allowed to have their entire stomachs out while the rest of the group gets half a navel. #Navelrationing.
We also see her group mates, Kelly Rowland and PoorMichelle Williams. They look invested.
Also, Beyoncé reveals that she lives there with her mom, Kelly, and Solange. One can only wonder: Where does PoorMichelle live?
0:20: Beyoncé shows us the giant living-room window, revealing quite a spectacular view of a lake and a pool. As extravagant as this is, if 2018 Beyoncé was on MTV Cribs, the living-room window would be overlooking fucking Saturn.
Also, Beyoncé debuts her unique pronunciation of “fabulous.”
Double also, where does PoorMichelle live!
0:35: There’s a big bag of Popeyes in the refrigerator. I’m sure the contents of it are tasty. Also, PoorMichelle still hasn’t spoken yet. Perhaps because she’s wondering where she’s going to sleep tonight.
1:00: Solange makes her first extended appearance, and this is the point where I’m reminded that we’ve watched each of them grow up right in front of us. It’s almost surreal how young they all were back then. Also, while Solange shows off her room—which is a converted garage space—PoorMichelle stands next to Solange’s closet. Maybe she thinks there’s a bed in there.
1:20: PoorMichelle speaks! But only to introduce the bedroom of Matthew—who was curiously omitted in the beginning when Beyoncé listed the people who live there—and Tina. Their bedroom looks exactly how you’d expect it to look.
Also, oddly, Beyoncé says “I love my mom’s room ... and my father’s room.” IT’S (ALLEGEDLY) THE SAME ROOM, SO WHY THE DISTINCTION BEYONCÉ?
1:50: Beyoncé, Kelly, and PoorMichelle raid Tina’s closet and show us the red boots they wore while skydiving. More context is needed but is not given. They then all do a dance that can best be described as the Air-Traffic Controlla.
2:11: PoorMichelle leads us to the entertainment room and also shares that it’s called the reflection room. I don’t think this room deserves more than one name. It ain’t all that special of a room. It’s the Rita Ora of rooms.
PoorMichelle then tells us some of the countries where the plaques on the wall are from. She makes it through Norway and some other random-ass European countries before excitedly screaming “OH AND CANADA!” as if Canada is special before the camera abruptly cuts away from her.
Even the MTV Cribs people had it out for PoorMichelle.
3:00: Kelly shows off her TV and her collection of DVDs. I have no further commentary to add. It’s just a TV and some DVDs.
3:35: They’re still in Kelly’s room and looking through her cavernous closet when Beyoncé suggests, “you have to show them your box.” And Kelly’s like “My box?” And that was an interesting exchange.
The box in question is a Candies shoebox full of mementos from past relationships. Beyoncé looks at the box like, “In 16 years, I’m gonna call you Lemonade.” PoorMichelle looks at the box like “Can I sleep in there?”
4:40: We finally make it to Beyoncé’s bedroom, which appears very comfy and cozy and also constructed by old tour outfits stitched together. It kinda reminds me of Lisa’s bedroom from Coming to America. It is literally the bedroom of every upper-middle-class black girl ever.
Also, the bed is the same bed from The Devil’s Advocate, apparently. If I could put a bed from any movie into my bedroom, I’d probably shy away from movies with the word “devil’ in it, but that’s just me.
Double also, PoorMichelle looks at the bed like, “I’d advocate for the devil if it got me my own bed.”
5:58: They’re outside by the pool/lake now, and Beyoncé says off camera, “We taught Michelle how to swim.”
On the Facebook page that this episode was posted on, someone said “Translation: ‘We pushed her in the pool and she survived.’”
6:34: The episode ends with Destiny’s Child saying bye to everyone, while they’re each wearing fake, bad-teeth prosthetics. They’re so aggressively corny that it’s actually endearing and cute. They were babies back then. We all were babies once, too.
You know what would be even more endearing and cute? A bedroom for PoorMichelle.