Co-workers are basically the Tyrese of our professional lives. You can’t live with them and you certainly could live without them. No matter your career there’s a strong possibility you’ve encountered some pretty annoying people in your quest to make a dolla. And while all co-workers and their endless stash of Lean Cuisines are pretty wretched, there is a hierarchy between the folks whose flip-flop sound steadily rings in your ear, and the soulless beings who refuse to spray air freshener in the employee bathroom when they know good and well it’s your only option for the day. So on a scale of 0 to Gilbert Arenas, stroll with me as I rate the most annoying types of co-workers from 1 to 10 (with 10 being the most annoying). Oh, and it will be petty. Like asking Stevie Wonder what edge control he uses level petty.
The homie – 1
My nigga, my nigga. They’re the bright spot to your day and the lone reason you haven’t open palm, pimp-slapped just about every other person in the building. They’re one of the few co-workers you’ve friended on Facebook and they may even follow you on Instagram or Snapchat, an honor you don’t bestow on just anyone. Family cookouts, they get a portion of your leftover plate on Monday. Birthdays, they’re invited to join you and your real friends at Cheesecake Factory for drinks. There’s little they can do wrong except bring your personal life into the workplace which is the equivalent of openly admitting you own a pair of Ivanka Trump heels. You just don’t do it. They’re the epitome of a road dog and live and breath by the motto — ain’t see shit, won’t be shit.
The Big Mama – 3
Ok, so she’s likely not an actual employee of the company but rather the nightly custodian or bomb AF lunch lady. Nine times out of 10 her name is Everdine, Margerete, Clarice or some other name that was really popping during the Civil Rights movement. She’s the grandma you wish you had, hums hymnals while she works, and is forever stacked with a prayer in her bosom and pound cake on deck in the break room. She also gives the best hugs. Those get your entire life, rest here beloved, inhale too deeply and you’ll choke on her Cucumber Melon body spray type of hugs. To the novice eye nothing about her is annoying however, every black person in the office who’s remotely down knows she’s shady as hell and if you cross her she will set her religion and Tuesday wig aside for five good minutes to whoop your ass.
The overworked and underpaid – 3
Truth is they’re tired. All their life they’ve had to work and it just ain’t right. Overlooked, undervalued and likely living for an Old Navy khaki sale, for some reason they come to you with every single woe despite your intentional no fucks to give disposition. They’ve been at the company forever yet somehow everyone manages to not include them in the Christmas gift exchange. Oh, and they’re depressing as shit. A living, breathing, walking Eeyore, nothing about them says I smile at puppies. Side note: Although they confide in you on lunch breaks, little do they know you laugh, no actually cackle, at their very being every chance you get; particularly their shoes, which nine times out ten are leaning ever so slightly on the everlasting arm.
The weight watcher – 7
Be weary of these Diet Coke sipping, fruit salad in the streets, ham hock in the sheets forever weight plateaued men and women because they are some of the most conniving, untrustworthy humans you will ever meet. Think about it, anyone who eats that much Subway and comes to every team meeting with a gallon jug of water yet hasn’t dropped a dress size since you began your natural hair transition can’t be trusted. And gotdangit Susan, change back into your flats after power-walking during lunch. Nothing about a pencil skirt paired with Sketchers is cute.
The know-it-all who’s also kinda racist – 10
If 45 wasn’t 45, he’d be this guy. Loud, pasty, probably a redhead and just dumb, this is the waspiest of waspy guys. In his head he’s a walking Fox News correspondent who firmly believes spinach and greens are one in the same. During election season you wished him the closest thing to near-death and openly talked about his mama. You know he’s called you the N-word but can’t prove it just yet. You’ve made a personal vow that if he mentions anything about #BlackLivesMatter or Malia Obama, you will personally lay hands, change his Facebook political party to democrat and start a rumor that his baby mom is a Mexican immigrant.
The TNOT – 7
What is a TNOT? A TNOT is that nigga over there. The cool AF brotha who spends 80 percent of his time on Snapchat and the remaining twenty selecting the perfect Spotify station to fake check emails to. He’s super fun, has the best weekend stories and teaches you the latest dances on your break. His vibe is hella dope but his work life ain’t shit. Like, none. In fact, in this moment you’re still waiting on him to respond to your email.
The doing the absolute most – 8
They’re so busy doing nothing. Every decision requires a meeting and every thought is a reply all email. They adore the Starbucks Unicorn Latte and per their Facebook, live for the grind (however you have yet to see a completed project from them). Outside of them being captain of the Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop Crew, they’re just annoying in general. They are always pitching some new productivity or project management software for the office and refuse to use an inside voice on phone calls despite your constant clapback that cubicle walls aren’t real walls.
The supafly – 6
Who knew one should wear their patent leather peep toe heels to the local cellular call center? Well she did of course. Dipped in Gucci and gold, or the closest knock-off brand, she’s the epitome of ghetto fabulous. Her hairstyle of choice is the asymmetrical bob with a shaved side, feathered bang and box braid (singular) on the short side. Hair done, nails done, everything did, if only her transferable skills mirrored her wardrobe. Rumor has it she’s also a thot but she likes to refer to herself as ‘round the way, but we all know what that means and her Snapchat stays lit so…
The dummy – 10
Were they supposed to read that email you copied them on? This person is the classic fuck up. They can do nothing right but constantly try to, thus annoying you more each day for the simple fact that they’re so unaware of their own stupidity. And it’s not even big stuff that they fuck up. It’s the little things. Calling meetings for things that could have been an email, not refilling the printer with paper, getting your order wrong on a Chipotle lunch run, or being the only one in the office to not dress up on College Day, therefore ruining the team photo. At this point, unless they Milly Rock on water, you’ll never respect them.
The Samuel Jackson
Not necessarily black and not necessarily Sam Jackson, this coworker is simply “too old and too grown for this shit.” Don’t try them because they’re not here for any of it and will undoubtedly whoop your ass at any given moment. When your company got a new email servers they literally almost quit for the mere fact that they had to change their email password.
Author’s Note: If by chance you fit into any of these buckets, just know you’re basically the Phaedra Parks of your office which is not a good place to be. Actually, it’s the, well there’s really nothing worse than being Phaedra Parks right now so I’ll leave it at that and challenge you to do better.