Photo: iStock

Let us bow our heads:

Father God, I come to you in inquiry and with a hopeful heart. You see, I believe in you and I believe in your methods. You have ordered my steps in your word, dear Lord, and while you lead me and guide me...ev-er-ee daaaaay, I kind of be wondering about your plans on occasion.

Just on occasion. But you see, Oh Omnipotent One, I live in Washington, D.C., and I lay my burdens down in the southeastern quadrant of the city. Thank you for your pillows of plentifulness, savior homie. But my question, nay curiosity, is rooted in the fact that I be seeing sooooo many tracks, braids, (un)sew-ins, (de)laced fronts laying in the streets that I’m curious about the goals of your hair ministry. Again, I’m not questioning, just...curious about your plans.

Your holiness, it is my understanding that that good Yaki is not cheap. Those Brazilian sew-ins are fairly pricey. Lord, even when you buy your extensions from a vending machine, it runs you a solid, $70-$80 on the low end. And that’s no theory, Lord. My my Q-Tips to your ears, 1/3 or 3/3 of the Holy Trinity depending on how you prefer to be referenced, I’m just curious about the ideology here.

If women, and some men, are paying a pretty penny for both the hair and the braiding and the having the hair addditioned to their heads, I mean, what’s the lesson here? That’s all I’m asking. Your homie Creflo asked for a whole multi-million dollar plane and I thought that was questionable, but some of these folks just want their ponytails to last, I don’t know, a few weeks, Father Pop. And I’m not sure that’s being attained here. I see so much weave in the streets, strewn about to and fro that I’ve started praying each time I see some hoping that they had enough to last them through the day or could swoop a swath of hair to cover the loss.

Advertisement

Especially, your Honorific, because, I mean, it ain’t cheap. Financially, Lord, it would seem like losing the weaves would be a net loss on life and I just don’t see how that really works for your glory. Maybe you do, I’m just saying that I don’t. But I will have you know that I be praying for their pockets, oh Precious Proprietor of Piety. I mean, if they keep having to get those tracks...refurbished(?)...then they can’t tithe, Father. I’m not saying that they’re on the same level, but what I AM saying is that I can’t be up in the church house handing over my rounded-up 10 percent if I got to be back in the salon or homie’s house getting that unfortunate misfortune re-purposed and tooted and booted.

Also, can we talk about the social toll it has on the community, if you have a minute, Father? I mean, I know you have all the minutes; prayer is kind of a 1-800-ALL-THETIME type of deal, but I mean, I prayed for a few things that ain’t quite see the light of day. I realize you did had said, or at least somebody else had said that you did had said that you may not come when we want you, but you’re always right on time but, I don’t know, Comcast beat you to the punch on that particular running prayer a few times. No shade, just saying. You da Lawd. Comcast calls a lot, though.

But the social toll I’m talking about is the esteem of the community who keeps seeing the hair and hair-like things all over the place. Lord, none of that conjures up good thoughts. I be wanting to know the story of the errant pony-tail and why did it get left? Who left the seven tufts of hair holding onto that glue with dear life. You don’t lose that many tufts and not notice. And they ain’t all lost in holy fights to break the chains, Your Majesticalness. Some of those hairs have been lost just...existing. Lord, when we see the remnants of a mighty struggle of some sort it gives me pause and I pray for those who also see the hair and who have to pray for their own weaves.

Advertisement

What do we tell the children, savior? Who do we stretch our hands to in order to explain that all weave doesn’t end that way...that all of your money won’t be wasted immediately? What do we say in the name of financial stability to ensure that the $364 paid to Auntie Cousin won’t go in vain? Lord, I pray for the people that they may punningly cut their losses. I don’t have a problem with weave, but if the weave is jumping out of your head it may have a problem with you. I pray they consider the price, holiness. And I pray that you, Father God, consider strengthening the glue or the braids that bind, Father.

And I pray that all the owners of the stories of lost weave I see in the streets are more positive than negative. I pray for their pockets and the events they are on the way to. I pray you keep their pockets right, Homie on High.

These prayers I ask in your name, oh Lord. Amen.