A Preview of an NBA Season That Shouldn't be Happening Because We're in a Raging Pandemic But I'm Still Watching Anyway and That Makes Me Complicit!

Illustration for article titled A Preview of an NBA Season That Shouldn't be Happening Because We're in a Raging Pandemic But I'm Still Watching Anyway and That Makes Me Complicit!
Photo: Christian Petersen (Getty Images)

The NBA is back! On the same week that news broke of a more contagious strain of a virus that has killed millions of people! There’s no bubble this time either! Just planes and airports and buses and hotels like any other non-pandemic time! I am very excited for this season and I plan to watch as many games as I can. I also hope none of the players get COVID!

Here is a preview of this season!

Teams that really should just stay in the house because they’re so irrelevant that playing just ain’t worth the risk of catching COVID

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Cleveland Cavaliers

Orlando Magic

Sacramento Kings

Oklahoma City Thunder

Chicago Bulls

Detroit Pistons

Teams so bad you might actually catch COVID through your TV screen if you watch them

New York Knicks

Teams with the GOAT Dominican ballplayer and a No. 1 draft pick who literally just said he doesn’t really like basketball all that much

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Minnesota Timberwolves

Teams with a rookie who everyone is trying to find a historical comparison for but no one thinks of the simplest one (Jason Williams!!!) because he’s Black-ish and the other guy is white

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Charlotte Hornets

Teams who feature Basketball Menudo

Atlanta Hawks

Decent teams who will test the limits of your NBA fandom if you make a conscious decision to watch them on TV instead of doing something—literally anything—else with your life

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San Antonio Spurs

Indiana Pacers

Teams whose recent construction and location provide more evidence for my theory that Russell Westbrook is secretly in the CIA

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Washington Wizards

Teams with a starting backcourt whose preferred methods of self-care and stress relief will likely personally finance beach homes, granite countertops, and 401Ks for night-shift ballet dancers throughout the Houston metropolitan area

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Houston Rockets

Teams that are legitimately exciting but still may be a year away from being legitimately good and also happen to feature the two best South Carolina exports since She-Crab Soup

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Memphis Grizzlies

New Orleans Pelicans

(Part two coming tomorrow)

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

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DISCUSSION

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Old Man Wu

Teyonah Parris, Nicole Beharie, and Danielle Brooks would like a word, sir.