VH1 screenshot

On Monday nights, VH1 broadcasts Love & Hip Hop New York (LHHNY) bringing to us the shenanigans of a beloved group of super-villains, all of whom are on the “cusp” of fame and dangling their legs off of the cliff of notoriety. If you were to tell me that you hate everybody on that show, I would not bat an eye and would continue drinking my Bulleit and ginger beer, neither shaken nor stirred.

Amidst the fuckery, VH1 (probably) accidentally stumbled upon an education in both delivering and kinda, sorta overcoming bitchassness. You might be asking yourself, “Self (no DJ), there’s so much bitchassness on this show, of what particular situation, praytell, could Young Panama Jackson Da Don be speaking?”

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Well, you gon’ learn today, because LHHNY taught you well.

Let’s start with last season. Last season, we were introduced to “super producer” Cisco Rosado who was long-distance dating Diamond Strawberry, daughter of legendary baseball player and cocaine addict, Darryl Strawberry. Diamond, in her infinite wisdom, moved from Los Angeles to New York City on a lark to be with Cisco who put her up at a friend’s house and wouldn’t bring her to his own crib because he ain’t shit and was never gon’ be shit. Diamond was the true idiot here having pretended not to have a child in discussions with Cisco, which worked for her since she left her child in LA with her mother, which is close to El Segundo, where Q-Tip left his wallet.

*rimshot*

Long story short, Cisco played Diamond who was like, “I can’t” and she ended up banging Rich Dollaz in a restaurant bathroom, likely amongst other places. This is problematic because Cisco and Rich are homeboys and comprise two-thirds of a group that calls itself The Creep Squad. The third member of this Creep Squad is Peter Gunz, a man whose shenanigans are Hall of Fame Worthy. Legendary actually sells them short. If you are ain’t shit, Peter Gunz is who you aspire to be. Sometimes I think that even Peter is impressed with what he’s accomplished. I hope that isn’t the case, but you never know. You can’t be part of a group called The Creep Squad and not revel in your own fuckshit, methinks.

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So anyway, despite Rich and Cisco maintaining a constantly civil relationship, to the point where Rich even WENT to Cisco to talk to him about Diamond, a woman Cisco allegedly didn’t care about and even warned Rich that she was bad news and he should stay away from, apparently Cisco was none too pleased about their dalliance.

Enter bitchassness. See, Rich assumed that because Cisco didn’t care that him smashing her wasn’t a thing. Creep Squad and shit; bang who you bang. But underneath the surface, Cisco apparently felt some kind of way about the fact that Rich was smashing his ex, you know the one he wouldn’t let come to his house because “he’s been hurt”. Rich, being a guy, thought that everything was good because if you go to your man and your man is like, “naw, I told you she was nuts, but do what you do, just keep her away from me” assumed that they were all good.

Assumption fail. See, Cisco is a bitchass. That’s the first step toward bitchassness:

Be a bitchass.

The thing about being a bitchass is that often, other people have no clue. Most bitchasses carry on day-to-day like normal without anybody being wiser. They keep up their shenanigans, engage with the same people, all the while, beneath the surface they’re seething at some wrong they feel has been committed towards them EVEN if they’re complicit in the execution of said wrong. Because bitchass.

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Fast forward to this season and an (initially) racially ambiguous rapper/self-proclaimed ho, Mariahlynn, comes into play. Mariahlynn is an opportunist. Nothing new there, it’s LHH, EVERYBODY’S an opportunist. Well she began messing with Rich Dollaz because she felt he might be able to help her career. THEN she started messing with Cisco, unbeknownst to Rich, because she felt he might be able to help her career. Cisco was aware, Rich wasn’t.

Here’s bitchassness step two: allow the fuckshit that pisses you off to continue EVEN if you’re the one person who can stop it because you have all of the necessary information.

Fast forward to Monday's episode (Season 6, Episode 9) where Rich finds out that both he AND Cisco are dealing with Mariahlynn. Rah Ali, a woman with no discernible talent, informs Rich that Mariahlynn is dating Cisco and Rich is like, "Nigga what? Nigga, who?I JUST smashed shorty like two days ago." Why did he smash her two days ago? She called Cisco who was unavailable, so she called Rich looking for some comfort because her mother is pregnant and in jail. So she smashes Rich for comfort THEN decides like the VERY NEXT DAY that she is ready to settle down with Cisco. We know this because the next day she’s with Cisco and tells him that she’s ready to be with him, but she just went to Rich to help her in a time of need. Cisco, is again non-plussed. The mention of Rich banging another of his interests likely had him fuming.

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So what happens next?

Cisco exhibits both steps three AND four of bitchassness in one fell swoop. Rich, upon finding out that he and his fellow Creep Squad compatriot are in cahoots at the same time, sets Mariahlynn up for the fall. He asks her to meet him at a bar, then has Cisco meet him at the same bar. Rich is trying to show his boy who this chick is. She of course, has egg on her face. No word on if she prefers it fried or fertilized.

Here’s where steps three and four happen: Cisco shows up and immediately goes into bitchass mode. First, he pretends like he only started messing with Mariahlynn to get back at Rich (step three)– news to both Mariahlynn and Rich. Allow me a moment of compassion here, but she didn’t deserve that. It’s fucked up and unnecessary, but a bitchass is gon’ do what a bitchass is gon’ do. Bitchasses gon’ bitchass.

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And Cisco is our bitchass.

Mariahlynn, defeated, understandably leaves in a huff leaving us with Rich and Cisco who “need to talk”. Rich is like, dog I had no idea, and Cisco says that he was trying to teach Rich a lesson of how it feels to snake another man’s lady. Rich is understandably confused by this since neither he nor Cisco cared about either Diamond OR Mariahlynn. This pisses off Cisco (oh, that’s step four, by the way, trying to exact revenge on somebody who had no clue they even did anything wrong AND tried to fix a situation) who then is like, NOW, he’s going to have to go to LA to try to bang Moniece so Rich can feel some pain.

This is stupid on so many levels. But it gets worse. Trying to teach your boy a lesson? Come on, Cisco, you a whole bitch ass. When you claim you don’t care about any of these women? #cmonson

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Then we reach step five of bitchassness – anger-in-action over something that makes no sense to anybody involved because the one person who is angry has effectively put himself in the angry space: Cisco tries to fight Rich, who steps back and is like, what the fuck? He doesn’t want to fight his brother! Creep Squad for life! And he’s still confused as to what the fuck has just transpired.

That’s five steps of bitchassness executed to perfection by Cisco.

And who has to clean it up? Motherfucking Peter Gunz, a man who got both his wife AND sidepiece pregnant at the same time, except the wife got an abortion and the sidepiece is keeping it. Peter is the living embodiment of “you gotta do better”. When even Rich Dollaz is telling you this, you know changes need to be on the horizon.

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In a moment of clarity, Rich and Cisco, mediated by Peter, sit down and Cisco thinks he deserves an apology and I’m not sure if he got one (he doesn’t deserve one) but he DOES apologize to Rich for going Hulk Smash on him over a chick he swears he didn’t care about.

That’s 10 steps backwards and a man-on-crutches-step forward. But I’m calling it here, once a bitchass, always a bitchass. Cisco might have tried to right the ship, but his bitchassness has been exposed, and I’m not sure you can ever really recover. As Jay enlightenedly points out on The Black Album standout track, “P.S.A.”, “…man you was who you was ‘fore you got here…”

Kudos to VH1 for putting bitchassness on full display and providing an educational tool for the masses.

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Speaking of educational, for those confused souls, you pronounce the second word in the title with a short “i” sound, like "kid", when it refers to an elementary style textbook (or guide in this case) for all of you scholars trying to understand how the word "primer" works in this context.

The more you know.

*ding*