Damon Young via Facebook screenshot

Jhon [redacted] and I are not friends, but I hope one day that we will be. If I am ever in London (where he apparently lives), I’ll make every effort to stop past [redacted] (where he apparently works) and introduce myself.

Until then, however, I’ll have to settle for replying to this glorious message he sent me yesterday where he asks for my hand in friendship and even conducts a free personality profile of me.

hello you damon, my name is Jhon [redacted] (and yes my first name is colombian not misspelled)

“My first name is colombian not misspelled” is totally what I’m going to start telling people when they call me Damian instead of Damon now.

i just wanted to inform you that you are a racist and sexist narrow minded man.

Jhon apparently hasn’t seen my profile picture. Because then he’d realize that my head is too voluptuous and egg shaped for me to be narrow-minded. I’m, um, oval-minded.

You had no normal friends, so what does Damon young do....he becomes an sjw so that way he can make friends you sad lonely man.

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Although I know Jhon means well, I didn’t quite appreciate this shot at my friends. Who is he to decide whether the crew I roll with is “normal” or not? Sure, they all love lukewarm water and attending Trap Pottery classes, but my niggas is normal, yo.

Your a narcisist and i know you will deny that, since that is what narcs do.

You have to forgive Jhon, because he’s from the United Kingdom and probably hasn’t seen New York Undercover or Narcos and isn’t aware that narcs are not supposed to identify themselves. What kind of analog, Fisher-Price-ass narcs do they have in London? Do they just walk into raves like, “Hey you bloody blokes, do you by chance have any drugs in your pockets?”

Let me explain why you are racist if you dont get it yourself, for example the aritcle you wrote ‘‘Donald Trump’s First 100 Days Is Peak Whiteness’’ this is steriotyping caucasians in a whole lets switch it around how would you feel if i wrote an article and this was the title ‘‘Barack Obama’s First 100 Days were so black’’ and thus steriotyping black people which i don’t do.

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So this is how I know Jhon and I might very well be soul mates. I wrote “Donald Trump’s First 100 Days Is Peak Whiteness” in April for GQ. Which means that Jhon is either spending quite a bit of time Googling me or he’s just a fan and is able to remember what I’ve written on recall.

Either way, this makes me all verklempt because people in my own house don’t even read everything I write. Granted, one of them is almost 2 years old and can’t read all that well yet, but Jhon is definitely more into my work than my wife—who treats the things I write like someone she’s trying to avoid talking to but accidentally butt-dialed.

And why are you sexist, well let me get this first thing straight, i am talking about sexist towards men not women. you posted an article titled ‘‘How, if You’re a Man, to Deal With the Fact That You’re Probably Trash’’ i dont even need to explain why this is sexist.

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I actually hate men and women equally. I’m ambidextrous. You’d know that, Jhon, if you took the time to read my LinkedIn bio.

i would love to see a response and sorry for the grammatical errors i didn’t want to fix them

I eventually forgave Nas for Nastradamus, so I think I’ll be able to forgive you for your awkward punctuation.

let me rephrase, i did not feel like fixing them

I no longer forgive you, Jhon. This relationship isn’t getting off to a great start.