(Brad Barket/Getty Images for National Geographic Channel)

Bill O'Reilly apparently thinks Maxine Waters looks like James Brown. Here are some things I think Bill O'Reilly looks like.

1. Bill O'Reilly, but if Bill O'Reilly actually died 20 years ago and no one's gathered the nerve to tell him yet

Advertisement

2. The face people in horror movies make when the alien hidden inside of them is eating their spleen

3. The guy who'd somehow survive the zombie apocalypse because the zombies would roll up to him, look at his face, say "nah," and keep it moving

4. The guy in a Steven Seagal movie who's revealed in a flashback to be the guy who framed Seagal for a murder. Now Seagal's out of prison, that guy is the Governor now, and Seagal's Out For Justice.

Advertisement

5. The third stage of late-onset elderly syphilis

6. A bag of money. Not real money, though, but Monopoly money used as toilet paper at Philadelphia International Airport

7. A live chicken dressed as a dead human for Halloween

8. A flaccid albino walrus's penis

9. The walrus-sized condom the albino walrus used moments before, when having sex, because the walrus read a pamphlet about animal STDs and is making better choices now

Advertisement

10. The guy on the cruise ship who's always naked in the fucking whirlpool and you never actually get in the whirlpool because this guy, somehow, is always in it (I hate that fucking guy)

11. The hazmat team guy who didn't seal his hazmat suit completely and now he's FUCKED

12. A grown-ass Garbage Pail Kid ("Barfy McShitTits")

13. A Catholic priest who's been moved from parish to parish for the same very suspicious reasons

Advertisement

14. The guy who invented that thing that happens when you think you're going to sneeze but you don't

15. The bad banana you don't want to eat but you're not going to throw it away because they're organic and expensive so you decide to use it for a smoothie or something

16. The initial lead actor in the first ever television ads for CIALIS until they focus grouped it and found a replacement after realizing no one would believe he was having sex

Advertisement

17. A corrupt banker who's arrested, taken to trial, found guilty, and shoots himself in the head before going to prison, only the bullet doesn't kill him and he's left with that face forever

18. Frankenstein with bulimia

19. The guy who saved your life because seeing his wretched and pale face on the train yesterday morning made you think "you know, I should get that stomachache checked out" and you went to the doctor and discovered you had lyme disease

Advertisement

20. A patient that would perplex the hell out of House

21. The teacher who get his ass kicked in the first 10 minutes in a movie about a really bad school in the hood

22. The guy gripping dozens of packs of socks and sneering "As long as I draw breath from this body, coloreds will never wear socks!" in every movie trailer about brave Black people who weren't allowed to wear socks in the 1950s