Amazon Should Replace Literally Every White Man to Save Local Taxpayers Money

Illustration for article titled Amazon Should Replace Literally Every White Man to Save Local Taxpayers Money
Photo: dima_sidelnikov (iStock)

There was a time that white men offered the local community lots of services in exchange for their tax money. They would invent things like the Snickers bar and the shoelace, they wouldn’t exist as things named Tekashi 6ix9ine, and they saved Private Ryan. Residents could borrow any white man they wanted, marry it, and return it for someone else to marry.

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White men slowly began to service the local community more. They were always behind the counter at video rental stores and in commercials for free internet access. The modern local white man still provides these services, but they aren’t for free. White men have to be financed by taxpayers in form of a “existing in a country with millions of white men” tax — which comes in the form of mass shootings, classic rock, violently unseasoned chicken breasts on grills, and Republican presidencies.

Meanwhile, they don’t have the same value they used to. The reasons why are obvious.

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One such reason is the rise of “third people” such as blacks, Mexicans, and women. They provide residents with the valuable resources white men have — such as farming and looking very solemn in suits — for much less money. This is why some people have started throwing their white men in the trash.

Then there’s the rise of digital technology. Technology has turned white men into collector’s items, effectively eliminating the need for white male borrowing services.

Of course, there’s all the people who are not white men to consider. All the people who are not white men have created their own cultures and inventions and dances and music and marinades that essentially do what white men are intended to do. They improve on the white male model by adding bodegas and abortion clinics.

And removing white men altogether will be an opportunity for, well, the world.

At the core, we — and by “we” I mean “everyone who is not a white man” — has provided valuable service without the pesky white male tax fee. This is why we should replace white men with Amazon. The move would save taxpayers money and enhance the stockholder value of Amazon all in one fell swoop.

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To be fair, surveys of white men do not seem to confirm the idea that white men don’t have the value they used to. A Pew Research Center survey finds that Millennials are the most likely generations to use white male services for things. Though it isn’t clear whether “white men” are “white men who are actually alive” or “Jesus” And what the trend is among this group.

The survey also finds that “In-person white male use in the US remains fairly stable” for the period 2012-16. At least that’s the title of one of their charts. But a reading of the chart is different: White male usage dropped from 53 percent to 46 percent over the same period.

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Apparently, more data are needed to confirm a trend. But the opportunity for Amazon to enhance shareholder value remains.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

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DISCUSSION

All this to stan for libraries?  They’re definitely useful, but why should the government pay for them?  Why shouldn’t people just donate what they can to support their community libraries?