After reading some of the racially-tinged responses to both the Michael Vick story and #laughingwhileBlack, I became dismayed. Sad, even. Not because of the racism. Racism by itself doesn't sadden me. I've grown so used to it that, on Thursdays, I congeal it into a gel and use it as deodorant. (And it's surprisingly effective.) But none of these people actually seem to want to admit that their racism is actually racism. I shouldn't have been surprised, though. From politicians and police to department store clerks and even the Ku Klux fucking Klan, being racist but never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever admitting to it publicly has passed epidemic stage is is now nearing pandemic.
But, I remained hopeful. I knew there had to be at least one person out there still willing to fly the racist flag. Unbothered, unfettered, and free. Like a sparrow. A hateful, racist, bigoted sparrow. And, wouldn't you know it? I found him.
His name is Nick Weathers. He's from Scranton, PA, he's 34 years old, he works in finance, and he has no qualms about publicly and unanonymously espousing his hate. A condensed version of our conversation can be found below. My words are in bold.
Good afternoon. Thank you for meeting up with me today.
The pleasure is all mine.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait…if we're going to continue, you are going to have to chill with the slurs. You can say nigger — I'll reluctantly allow that — but you can't call me one.
How about nig?
Sheesh. So many rules.
So Nick, you are a racist, correct?
No dog whistling statements?
Nope! I hate whistles as much as I hate Cam Newton.
No qualifiers? No "It's really not about Black and White." Or "I can't be racist. My best friend's neighbor is Black." Or "I don't really see race. But, when certain people get in the pool, the pool just needs more chlorine." Nothing like that?
Nope. There are two things I don't do. Qualify. And floss.
No euphemisms, even? No reference to Blacks as "Canadians" or "Mondays" or anything like that?
Euphemisms are too time-consuming. In just the time I spent saying "euphemism" I could have been expending energy hating Starbucks.
They let niggers work there.
Um…ok. So, why do you hate Black people?
Because they are not White people.
Yes. If they were White people, I would not hate them. Because they would no longer be Black people. But as long as Black people wake up Black, brush their teeth Black, go to work Black, stand in line at Wendy's at lunch time Black, leave work Black, go to the gym Black, go to the store after the gym Black, and pick up three bottles of Simply Raspberry Lemonade even though they only wanted one but decided to get three because of a sale Black, I'll continue to hate them.
Oh, and a Black guy fucked my girlfriend in high school. And he wasn't even BlackBlack. His name was Jonathan, he knew his dad, and he played lacrosse for chrissakes. I already hated BlackBlack Blacks. But that taught me I shouldn't discriminate. Now all Blacks, from Carlton Banks to Rachel Dolezal, are equal monkeys on my porch.
Wait, Rachel Dolezal? You do realize she's not…actually, nevermind. Anyway, why do you think you're the last White man in America willing to publicly cop to being racist?
I've been thinking about that myself! When I see people like Donald Trump and Megyn Kelly doing and saying clearly — clearly! — racist things, but trying to explain it away for other reasons, I pity them. They have no idea how liberating it is to just be out, loud, proud, and hateful. I wake up every morning, stretch, brush my teeth, wash my face, open my bedroom window, and let the sun hit my chest as I scream "niggerniggerniggernigger" at the kids catching the bus on the corner. And if the kids aren't there, I say it to a Yaphet Kotto screensaver on my iPad. And my mind couldn't be clearer. My heart couldn't be freer.
You're not worried at all that this out, loud, and proud racism will affect your job status?
That's the thing. The HR people at my job are so used to people speaking in codes and doing, umm…what's that new word "smart" niggers use on the internet? Starts with an "M" I think. Just like monkey.
Yes, that's it! Microaggressions. They're so used to detecting coding language and enforcing anti-microaggression policies — going to anti-racist seminars and symposiums — that they have NO IDEA what to do when I walk into an office potluck and call Pepsi "nigger milk." It's lovely.
I've even convinced them that my racism is a religious belief.
I have a poster of Jay-Z and Beyonce on my cubicle wall, labeled Nigger Jesus and Nigger Mary. And I pray to it every day. They're scared to fire me because it would be violating my religious freedom. Ha!
Ok, I'll admit. That is kinda funny.
I'll telling you, man, open racism is the way to go. I think it'll be the next throwback movement.
So you're the new Hipster?
Does a nigger shit in the woods and wipe his ass with an EBT card?