Earlier Monday afternoon, Deadspin revealed that Professional White Woman Britt McHenry bought many of her Twitter followers. And that she then jumped on Twitter to have a death match with the “liberal media” about it. And then said something about fake news. And then went on the radio Monday morning to basically say, “Oh yeah, I totally bought a shitload of Twitter followers to help me recover from that time my trash ass cussed out a tow truck driver for doing the job.”
And I promise you, when I read that story and saw the art attached to it, that while the words on the page referred to “Britt McHenry,” my brain kept reading “Tomi Lahren.” Almost like I’d been temporarily overcome by some sort of Darth Trash-induced vertigo and dyslexia.
While recovering from that episode, I had an epiphany: Are we certain Britt McHenry and Tomi Lahren aren’t the exact same person? That perhaps they’re the trash-blond equivalent of Donald Glover and Childish Gambino?
I know, I know, I know. They have to be two separate people because that much trash just can’t fit into a single package. THAT WOULD BE A MESSY OVERFLOW OF TRASH. But the more I think about it, the more it makes sense.
How? Well ....
1. I’ve never seen them in the same place at the same time. Of course, I’ve never seen either of them in person before, so I’m not sure if whether I’ve actually seen them is the most reliable gauge. But it’s my gauge. PLUS, I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO SEE TRASH WHITE WOMEN IN PERSON JUST TO PROVE MY (PROBABLY TRUE) THEORIES. WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO SEE TRASH?
2. Both “Tomi” and “Britt” sound more like the names of the different styles of stretch pants at Lululemon than actual people. These are names created by a Darth Becky generator. They might as well be named “Kimey” and “Bethed.”
3. Neither of them has a job! According to Wikipedia, Tomi Lahren is an American conservative political commentator and former television host, currently working for Great America Alliance, an advocacy organization that supports Donald Trump. THIS IS NOT A REAL JOB.
And Brittany May “Britt” McHenry is a former ESPN reporter and is now a contributor for The Federalist and Fox News Channel. Again, NOT A REAL JOB. These are the bios of trash-blond women with no health benefits.
4. LOOK AT THEM! Well, “them” because it’s THE SAME PERSON.