White sneakers are a thing that many people own and occasionally wear. I own two pairs, and I’ve enjoyed the experience of owning and wearing them. I would imagine that other wearers and owners of white sneakers have similar positive thoughts about them. Wearing white sneakers is like drinking grapefruit juice. It might not be your favorite thing to do, but it leaves you full and reminds you of nurses.
But are they worth the trouble? I don’t know. Let’s find out.
1. A pair of stark-white sneakers makes even the most mundane outfits pop.
2. You cannot be a convincing registered nurse or octogenarian or Dominican uncle without a pair of white sneakers in your regular rotation.
3. If you are black and approaching 45, you will need white sneakers for all of the white parties and cabarets and Kenny Latimore boat rides you’ll soon be contractually obligated to attend, annually.
4. If you’re a man, a nice pair of above-the-knee shorts accompanied by some tasteful white sneakers will make people assume you have excellent credit.
5. If you are the type of person who gets into fistfights as an adult, wearing white sneakers adds insult to injury if you beat someone up. Now, they didn’t just get their ass kicked. They got their ass kicked by a nigga in white Chucks.
6. God probably wears white AF-1s.
1. There’s literally nothing you can do to keep them clean, and also literally nothing you can do to sufficiently clean them after they’ve gotten dirty. This will frustrate you to no end, as even a barely distinguishable smudge stain on a white sneaker will make you consider either tossing them out completely or relegating them to lawn-mower sneaker duty. Basically, white sneakers turn people into Kappas.
Verdict: No, they’re not worth it.