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Asia from Brooklyn, NY asks:

Who is your favorite TV couple?

Ooooh. This is a hard one. I immediately want to say Martin and Gina. The most true to life relationship. A lot of shit talking. And a lot of affection. With most of the time everything just being cool.

But then there’s Doug and Carrie (King of Queens). The closest mimic to the dynamics of my own relationships. Where I’m the curmudgeon.

But then there’s J.D. and Turk (Scrubs). Where you’re always on the same page. #Relationshipgoals.

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Dru from Alexandria, VA asks:

I have a higher sex drive than my girl. I think most men deal with this though. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes she’s insatiable but most times, I’m the initiator and it sucks feeling like she’s doing me a favor. The question is, is there a way to fix this?

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Fix what? Nature?

Fix whom? You and your everlasting, my God stop poking me with it, hard-on?

Sometimes I feel it’s the wrong party who writes in to me, complaining.

The key thing here is that you’re not saying your girl has no sex drive. Just that you have a higher one than she does. While you’re consistently horny (how do most men get anything done at all?), she has her peaks and valleys (so the world doesn’t devolve into chaos, with all of us chattering and slinging shit and rutting all day, in mass orgies, like chimps).

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All this to say, there’s nothing to fix here.

Evolutionary theorists don’t believe women go into heat but I haven’t met a woman that doesn’t experience a sustained level of horniness during ovulation.

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I myself have CRIED and begged and pleaded when denied sex during that time—the ugliest of tears. I tried to force the dude in question but he outweighed me by about 70lbs and I couldn’t even budge him. He just laid on his stomach and played possum. I threatened his life. I tried to leverage his love. I did fruitless gyrations. I mean I just wanted a hit. *Scratches neck*

So enjoy those times when she’s insatiable. Take advantage of it, again and again and again, during that window. Be a glutton.

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And be thankful for the pity fucks when she isn’t even in the mood because it could be worse. She could’ve denied you altogether.

Sherman from Marietta, GA asks:

What do you think was the best cafeteria game back in the day?

There were the kids that played UNO. And the kids that played Crazy Eights (the concept of which still eludes me). And those kids that had a Pikachu (or whatever the fuck those virtual pets were called) to water and rear. Then there were the kids whose hands became callused and hard from playing Speed aka Spit. But all the cool kids played Spades.

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Spades made a woman out of me. No lie.

Spades helped me find my voice. Or rather it made my voice louder and brasher.

Spades helped me understand different mindsets. It helped me become a discerner of people. It helped me figure out a man’s character.

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Was the person reckless? Then they’ll go for the iffy bid.

Was the person cautious? Then they’ll always hedge their bets. Fucking baggers. They’re the worst.

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Was the person loyal? Would they only play with one partner? Their partner.

Were they a reneg-er? I mean a murderer is a murderer. And a thief is a thief. But a reneg-er is a liar. And a liar could be anything. A reneg-er could break your heart.

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Did they play for themselves? Cutting their own partner to make sure they made their books? Or would he take one for the team. After all, spades was all about the partnership.

And finally, was he a cheater? And if he was, did he make sure not to get caught? Because all the good players cheat. And the best players never get caught.

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So yeah. Spades was the best cafeteria game. And I was one of the best.

Anaïs from Los Angeles, CA asks:

What do you think is a better investment, a boob job or butt implants? Asking for a friend.

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While breast implants have been around over 30 years now, butt implants are so new to the market that I don’t think there have been enough studies looking at the long-term career advantages of having a huge fake ass. Sure, right now there are easy to point to fake ass pack leaders like the Kardashian clan and Nicki Minaj and K. Michelle and the Love and Hip Hop cast in all cities, but these may be false positives.

But then I thought, what if we extrapolated the data from a controlled sample?

So I decided to look up the women on the Forbes List of the World’s 100 Most Powerful Women to see if there are early indicators of whether fake boobs or fake asses gave one more of a leg up than the other but I stopped halfway through compiling the data set because I realized this was an asshole endeavor.