Melanie from McLean, VA asks:
How do I get him to tell me the truth? I love him but he lies about everything.
Getting a liar to confess is difficult. Because liars are slippery. And good liars are like eels. But great liars are made of factory grade KY jelly.
You see they don’t believe you when you tell them “just tell me the truth, I won’t get mad” because they’ve heard that before, probably from you, and that was a lie.
You see, you’re a liar too.
And that’s the thing, liars believe everyone is a liar, so they don't trust easy and they certainly don't just fall for the poorly made and hastily planned conversational traps of detective girlfriends.
So don’t try to call him into the room to watch a particular episode of Love & Hip Hop. An episode whose theme you’re going to try to use to segue into a conversation about his fidelity. A liar is not watching Love & Hip Hop with you. And if you try to turn even his unwillingness into a “conversation” as well, then expect him to be ghost every Monday at eight for the rest of your relationship.
Now I’m lecturing.
I’m sorry. (I get that from my dad.)
So to get him to tell you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, you need more than hard evidence, more than eyewitnesses, more than tears and public scenes. To get a liar to talk, you need to become an "it's cool" chick. And he has to believe it.
Be warned, this is a hard road to hoe. Most women who have gone down this path abandon it midway through.
Because it will break you!
And that's when you have to keep going.
You see, to an "it's cool" chick—so named because that's her response and overall demeanor to any admission, suggestion, question or request, basically imagine a shrugging emoji—everything is cool. So when he tells you he’s going with his boys to the strip club, as an "it's cool" chick you have to accept it. You don’t pick a fight as he’s leaving. You don’t spend the night texting him and calling him and stressing him. You don’t have the bedroom door locked when he comes home bathed in glitter and smelling like fermented cheese.
The night out with the boys was a soft lob. And you have to be able to catch these with ease in order for him to get comfortable.
Remember, he’s slick so he’s going to test you.
So laugh. And if you can’t laugh, smile. And if you can’t smile, shrug—‘cause it’s cool.
As an “it’s cool” chick, you always have to be able to reset, at least outwardly. It’s a skill a lot of men can fake and few women can. But look at you adopting new skill sets. And here I thought people couldn’t change.
(They can’t. I’m pretty sure your whole life you’ve been painfully combing your hair from the root to the tip instead of slowly working your way up. Climbing over boulders instead of walking around them.)
So why are you doing all this “it’s cool” shit again?
Well you’re trying to get your liar to believe you when you say “tell me, I won’t get mad.” He has to truly believe there are no repercussions, no recriminations, no fallout, no drama and no consequences from him telling the truth. He has to believe there won’t be any follow-up convos that start with “I was thinking” or “I wanna talk.” No pouting. No breaking shit. No petty jabs. No cold sex.
Liars are cowards but they’re not stupid.
So instead of histrionics and hysterics greet his tentative admissions with a chill attitude. ‘Cause you’re chill.
Do you believe it yet? Because he won’t until you do in your heart.
(The heart that’s crying out to God because what you’re doing is madness.)
So even though your soul is under strain…you have to play your part. For however long it takes for him to trust you. Truly trust you.
But once he does. Once he does. He’ll never lie to you again because ya know, it’s all cool.
Be prepared though for him to get real comfortable, real quick—period sex comfortable. And as he casually tells you "nah, I'm actually still at the house, couple of the fellas showed up unexpectedly, so I'm not gonna be able to make it…oh…you already there? Damn babe. Well you should at least get something to eat to go, I know you really love that place. As a matter of fact get me the wings and a loaded sweet potato while you're at it, I'll swing by your place after the fellas leave. That cool?" And you hear yourself saying "Yeah that's cool."
DON’T BLAME ME!
Because haven’t you finally gotten what you wanted? The unvarnished truth. All the time. Did you not realize you’d also freed him from giving you even the courtesy of a lie while robbing yourself of the option of rebuke.
Remember, you wanted to get a liar to tell the truth. And I told you the price was steep.
And all for what?
You've only revealed that beneath all the lies is just a shitty person.
But that you already knew.