Johnny from Atlanta, GA asks:

I like black women but I hate the fake hair they wear, all of it, the wigs, the weaves, and the ponytails. It’s definitely a deal breaker for me. I’m a hair puller. So, I wanna know…is there a sure fire way to tell if it’s all hers? So that I can stop wasting my time and money on these weave queens.


There’s so much to unpack here. I haven’t had a question with this many layers to it in a minute, so for that I say thank you. Where oh where to begin?

*taps chin*

Well let’s start at the beginning. You “like” Black women but “hate” the fake hair [some] (I know you meant to say some) of them wear? But never in the history of equivalencies has a mere like ever stood a chance against pure hate. Like collapses under the weight of hate. Every. Single. Time.

Like doesn’t get out the vote like hate does. Liking a thing doesn’t garner ratings like hating a thing does. Like won’t make you stay. Like won’t make you go out of your way. Like won’t make you protest or march or even sit up straight.

In fact, likes will only matter on social media until they put in a dislike button.


The only thing that can counter hate is love. And since you merely like Black women…

Are you still with me Johnny?

I hope I haven’t lost you. Yet.

Here’s the thing. You hate fake hair. Which would be a legitimate gripe if we were having this conversation in 1996. Except we’re in 2015 and the natural hair movement is in full swing. So Johnny my boy, you have options!


But you don’t want a chick with a twist out do you?

You want a chick with four bundles of 22 inches of silky Indian Remy hair. You just want it to be real.


Some women want a corporate thug.

Johnny, you and those women need to snap out of it.

Johnny you want a woman that doesn’t have to wrap her hair up at night; that doesn’t care if it gets wet; that doesn’t mind you using her hair as a bridle; that doesn’t ever have to do protective styles; that might go her whole life without ever even using a couple clip-ins.


Johnny, what you want is a White woman.

Which is fine. I mean you only just like Black women anyway. And if nothing else, Black women deserve more than your mere like.


And I guess I still haven’t answered your question have I?

Well the answer is simple.

There’s no way to tell. None at all.

I mean watch this video. And don’t blink or you’ll miss it.

I know.

I know.

But you’ll live.

Agatha is a figment of the collective VSB imagination. Don't @ me.

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