Ask Agatha: Terrible Post-Sex Etiquette And "Do Men Ever Grow Up?"

Columbia Pictures
Columbia Pictures

Colin from St. Louis, MO asks:

Since the year is coming to a close, I was wondering what your resolutions are?

Nope. No resolutions. But I do believe in introspection so I think I’ll try to list my regrets to give me a sense of perspective.


1. Stopping yesterday, on my way to work, to take a picture for this old lady tourist. She wanted portrait and landscape shots. Then she wanted it from this angle to get the whole Christmas tree and then that angle to capture the spire of the Empire State Building. Now I’m at a photo shoot. Five minutes later she’s looking over all the pictures and asking me in poor in English why she’s not smiling. I don’t know lady! Fifteen minutes later, she let me go, dissatisfied and disappointed with me. I didn’t need that.

2. Being made to go to Chicago. #thanksBee

3. Every blog post, written by the downtrodden, I was forced to read. #thanksBee

4. Calling the cops that time. Sorry.

5. Not swallowing my pride and making the call. But why didn’t YEW call me nigga? #DCmen


6. Blocking my dad's calls because I can’t take his preaching anymore. Fuck.

I’m ready to put this year behind me Colin.

Justice from PG County, MD asks:

My whole dating life seems like I’ve been waiting for the male species to catch up. Like once he gets a degree or once he’s settled in his career. But I’m 39 and the men I’m dating are around my age and it hasn’t gotten better. At what age does it get easier?

The day before they die. I heard that second to last day is peaceful for all present.

I kid.

I kid.


I’m not kidding.

My girlfriends all agree that ages two to 52 are just a black hole.

But I think there are sparks of light. Moments. Entire months even of when the planets align and things are just easy between the sexes.


Like when you’re both nine. And he’s still openly affectionate with his mom and unashamedly hands you a Be My Valentine card. That’s a full school day.

Then there’s the tender age of 15. He’s open. He’s unguarded. He’s nice. He’s started pacing his jerking off. He thinks he likes you and tells you so. And you tell him you think you like him back. And the rest of the “relationship” exists mostly via furtive glances and phone calls. That’s the entire spring term.


And then at some point, some careless girl, either you or someone like you, takes advantage of that niceness and breaks his heart and as the cherry on top, tells him he literally has the face of a baboon’s ass and he stumbles into his 20s still reeling. Now he’s damaged goods and no good to anyone.

For the next three decades.

Daniela from Flint, MI asks:

My roommate is moving out at the beginning of the year. Her and her bf got a place together which is cool. What’s not cool is the fact that she wants me to either sell the furniture we bought together and split the proceeds, or have me buy her out. It’d be one thing if she wanted to split the furniture itself but she doesn’t need any of it, not even her bed because they’re using her bf’s furnishings for the new place. Still I can’t afford to buy her out but I don’t see why I have to sell the sofa or dining table I need to put cash in her hand. And if I do get it sold, what am I supposed to do with less than half the money necessary for the things I need to refurnish the place?


Oh honey, have your Ikea Söderhamn sectional and Skogsta dining table officially appraised and give your ex-roommate her half of the $60, used Ikea furniture is worth.

This site does 3 appraisals for $35.

So this whole thing should set you back $65.

Now take that $65 and go buy a cash cannon, fill it up with real money and spray it all over the sofa and apartment, as she’s packing up.


Daniesha from Marietta, GA asks:

My boyfriend always turns the TV on right after we have sex. We come home. We eat dinner. I turn off the TV. We have sex. And then when we’re done, he turns the TV back on. Once I started noticing that he turned on the TV right after, every time, I couldn’t un-notice it. Now it’s driving me nuts and it’s making me more and more insecure. Help!


I don’t get it. It sounds like you two have a very established routine. I don’t see what he’s doing wrong. Seems to me like his hitting the power button is the period at the end of the banal sentence that is your sex life.

I mean if he didn’t turn on the TV how else would you know it was over?

Or maybe he’s watching TV to see how Groundhog’s Day ended. So he too could break the cycle.


What sort of sex are you two having that he has the energy to catch up on the shows in his queue?

You’re worried about him turning on the TV and I’m worried about ALL OF IT.

Your relationship is dying Daniesha!

Do something.

Agatha is a figment of the collective VSB imagination. Don't @ me.

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Men never grow up. Even when they claim to be mature, they still aren't. Pick a guy that's good in bed so you can justify to yourself why you tolerate his immaturity.