Screenshot: Ayanna Neptune

On the list of “Headlines I’ve always wished to write but assumed I’d never have the chance to,” “White Person Arrested for Petting a Black Person’s Dog Without Permission” might actually be No. 1, narrowly beating “Zimmerman Stampeded in Pamplona; Remains Yet to Be Found” and “Reparations Approved by Congress on One Condition: Deport R. Kelly.”

I’ve written before on the epidemic of white people greeting and speaking to my dog before they acknowledge me. This, combined with the satisfying schadenfreude of a white person actually being arrested for #WhitingWhileWhite, has made this quite a satisfying afternoon.

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Anyway, please, pretty, pretty, pretty please with sugar and berries on top, watch this video, posted by Facebook user Ayanna Neptune, of Becky With the Bold Hands’ arrest:

Remember the hallway scene from The Matrix, when Neo first realizes all of the powers he has and uses them against Agent Smith? This video reminds me of that. Once arrested, the white woman manages to deploy every weapon in the aggrieved white woman’s tool kit.

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Tears? Check! Threats? Check! A claim that she’s harmless? Check! A claim that she’s harmless ... coming 20 seconds after she tries to fight three cops? Check! Primal screams dead in the face of an armed police officer, displaying an audacious fearlessness of any sort of mortal danger? Check! References to a dog somewhere? Check! Pointed hyperventilations? Check! Targeted deployment of the word “cunt”? Check! Strange faces? Check!

I haven’t yet learned the identity of this unfortunate, serial-petting Becky. But when I do, I will share it. Just can’t have these types of thugs roaming our streets, spilling slippery tears of whiteness and harassing our pets.