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I do not care that Benjamin Solomon Carson, Sr. graduated from Yale and became the director of pediatric neurosurgery at John Hopkins when he was 33, the youngest ever in that position. (For comparison's sake, at 33, I was still saving my cups from Panera Bread — leaving with them instead of throwing them away, keeping them in my car, and bringing them in the next time I went there — so I wouldn't have to buy new ones. But this is beside the point.) I do not care that he was one of the leading world authorities in hemispherectomy, a word I didn't even know existed until I read his bio 45 seconds ago. I do not care that Gifted Hands: The Ben Carson Story was Cuba Gooding Jr.'s best performance since Snow Dogs. And, I do not care that, while in middle school, at least 37% of you reading this did at least one book report on Ben Carson during Black History Month. And you felt like the shit when you turned it in too, because the rest of your classmates did theirs on either Sojourner Truth or LL Cool J.

I do not care about the decades of evidence Ben Carson accumulated before 2012 that would seem to prove he is not the dumbest motherfucker alive. Because, since 2012 or so, Ben Carson has been intent on proving to us that he is, indeed, the dumbest motherfucker alive. And he's doing such a convincing and compelling job that I think it's time we believe him.

Because, if we don't, how else would you explain "…because a lot of people who go into prison go into prison straight—and when they come out, they’re gay. So, did something happen while they were in there? Ask yourself that question." coming out of the mouth of a man who was a gotdamn professor of neurosurgery, oncology, plastic surgery, and pediatrics? If my 12-year-old nephew said that in front of me, I would stop everything we were doing, I'd get us a couple tall glasses of ice water and maybe some pretzels, and we would have a long talk. A very understanding long talk — I'd ask him why he felt that way and allow him to explain himself — but a long talk nonetheless. And during this long talk with my 12-year-old nephew, I'd think to myself "Thank God you said this in front of me and not like in public or something." But Ben Carson, a fucking neurosurgeon who's considering running for President of the United States, actually thought it was prudent to explain his feelings on homosexuality by citing prison sex and prison rape, and actually did this on national television.

Carson later apologized for his remarks. Which is probably the result of whoever's running his campaign to convince us all he's the dumbest motherfucker alive texting him and saying "Come on, Doc. You can't say that shit yet. That's way too obviously dumb to be convincingly dumb. Remember, baby steps." And Carson probably nodded his head, grinned, and ate some blueberries. Because blueberries are supposed to be brain food.