BET Awards 2014 Show Recap: Because We Hate Ourselves

BET Awards 2014 (Kevin Winter/Getty Images)
BET Awards 2014 (Kevin Winter/Getty Images)

Look, I'd be lying if I said I gave any fucks about this show. In fact, I'm watching purely to write about it. This isn't normal. There was a time when I used to enjoy this show because I was guaranteed at least SOMETHING worthwhile. That could be the case this year as well, but the truth is, since Being Mary Jane's season went off, I've not actually ventured to BET…maybe ever.

I don't think my experience is unique either. Which makes the idea of a BET Awards show very interesting. If nobody pays attention to your shit, why are you even in the business of grand pomp and circumstance. I'm not sure you can afford this, BET.

Moving on to the awards recap. I shall drink during this. This could be interesting because of said drinking. Jack and Coke. Word to 'Murica.


(Additional commentary from the VSB family is included as well.)

-Pharrell reminds me that rich people and poor people might be leagues apart in financial security, but fashionably, they're kissin' cousins. I think rich people take cues from folks who they see in Food Lions across the country then design lines they charge way too much for. No shots to Food Lion. As proof, I'm from down South. I remember when we wore Dickies suits because they were cheap. Then folks saw Cash Money wearing them, and folks began paying 50 bucks for Dickies pants they could still buy in Wal-Mart for $14.99.


-I feel like Chris Rock's opening would have worked really well during a comedy circuit show. Not in front of the people you're skewering.


-Gabrielle Union and Regina Hall suck.

-HOW IN THE HELL DID I MISS KEKE PALMER'S OUTFIT. She looks like a hooker C-3P0. She's legal so I'm here for it. She is legal right?


-Honestly, I don't even know why BET turns this into an awards show. Why not just make it the biggest concert of the year outside of Essence Festival and call it a day? Nobody cares about the awards anyway.

-Nick Cannon legit came out lookin' like Denzel's character in He Got Game. This is not a compliment by the way. And then the woman everybody hates right now, Zendaya, was out there looking like her mother ain't approve her outfit. The Zendaya hate is unfair though. She ain't cast herself. She's just trynna work. #wrkwrkwrkwrk


-Busta Rhymes needs to get on the Rick Ross diet plan. Seriously. Seriously. He is currently bigahel.

-Jhene Aiko…please. Somebody explain to me why she's popular? I don't get it. I try to get it, but I honestly have no comprehension of what she brings to the table. I'm going to guess its cuz her last name is Aiko. Do you know anybody whose last name is Aiko who isn't doing something big? I doubt it. Also, John Legend made sure that the two beige performers weren't going down because of him.


-Mike Tyson says he's gonna host the Soul Train Awards. MUST. SEE. TV.

-Chris Brown came out and did some half-hearted but entertaining number to my favorite song "Loyal". He did pretty good for a dude fresh out of jail.


-Chris Rock did a segment where he went to a monster truck rally to talk to white people about BET and the BET Awards. That sh*t was as entertaining as Key & Peele sketches. In fact, that would make for some pretty good television on a weekly basis. Can we get somebody on this stat?

-I can't lie. I'm fairly over this show. Not because its bad but because well, I'm overall wondering why I'm watching this. I'll bet nearly everybody performing here is performing at Essence next weekend in NO and giving half ass performances tonight for this reason. Meanwhile, I'm over here watching this with my laptop.


-I literally feel like I grew up with Usher. He's always around it seems. Also, this dude's hit catalog is extensive as hell. He will be able to tour until he's in his 60s because of it. Except he'll probably break a hip trying to dance and that will be the end. The hip's don't lie. Once they go, they're telling you to retire. Also, I don't really like the song "Good Kisser". I know. Minority. It's like being Black all over again.

-In case y'all ever wondered if Pharrell was truly Black-hand side first, my man thanked God first. And "Happy" won for Best Video. This song is just a damn thing. It will last forever. Forever people.


-I feel like everybody who has ever started writing a recap, live, has regretted it halfway through. I'm continuing this trend. Yep. I sure am.

-Pharrell has won two awards. It is officially his year. My man cried for Oprah, wore a forest ranger hat publicly and nobody cared, and he's winning BET awards. He won.


-Nicki Minaj had a scary bunny on stage. Let that sink in. It made no sense whatsoever and I've been drinking for hours now. I'm lost. Not even "Amazing Grace" lost either. Like, Google Maps sent me the wrong direction lost. Which totally happens.

-It's getting harder to stay awake for this. August Alsina and Trey Songz and Chris Brown just did a performance. They're still three different people. Nobody can understand why. Well at least Trey and August. They make the EXACT same music. Literally. I'm almost convinced they just trade songs amongst one another. Every song is the remix to some other song they've already done. Word booty.


-Lionel Richie is receiving a lifetime achievement award and of course John Legend's warbling voice ass is singing some of the songs. Look I know many folks love John Legend. I'm not one of them. I'd rather listen to Ginuwine try to hit a consecutive string of notes in the right key than John Legend.

-By the way, its currently 1038 and there's still another hour to go. A motherlovin 3 and a half hour show is a lot to ask for Black folks. For anybody really. But for Black folks too.


-I can kind of appreciate Lil Wayne going for his whole rock star thing. But he threw down the microphone after accepting an award in which ASAP Mob and Daft Punk were in the same category. That's not a made up sentence. That really happened.

-A movie is being mad called The Book of Negroes based on the actual historical document. Im mostly mad that we didn't name VSB Book of Negroes. That's what I'm mad about.


-Troop, Color Me Badd, and Silk came out and performed. All waaaaay past their prime. It's official I'm old.

-Debra Lee. That's all I'll say about that.

-If this show wasn't ending with Beyonce and Jay-Z, I'd truly have quit this shit 45 minutes ago. But nope. I'm still here because I hate myself. And I'll never forgive myself for it.


-Phylicia Rashad is still bad as hell.

-Closing this show out with Jay-Z and Beyonce after having Myrlie Evers-Williams and tributes to Maya Angelou and Ruby Dee just feels odd. Then again, Chris Rock gave out chicken during this show. Never mind. Everything goes.


-Robin Thicke sang a song to Paula Patton. Everybody in the audience was uncomfortable.

Time check: 1141pm. Show is still going on.

-Nicki Minaj just told us all that she almost died. From what? I don't know. She said some prayers though. Something something TMZ. BET is great. TV used to be blacked out. Nicki didn't die so she could try to kill us all with this terrible speech she just gave.


And we're STILL not at the end.

-BET just trolled us all by saying Bey and Jay were performing. They're not. They're videoing in their performance from their tour. And the song they radioed in? "Partition" the LEAST appropriate song to video into the homes of people across America. Good job BET. Good damn job.


In the famous words of Jay-Z.

"Fuck this, man."


- So August Alsina sounds like he just ate some Taco Bell and finished off with White Castle for dessert.


- Chris Rock shoulda went full-shade and said Kevin turned into a smartcar with the Transformers joke.

- My theory is that all of the BET Awards were sprayed with au du onion parfum because these tears…


- I’m mad Chris Brown wore a Kanye West version of Weezy’s shirt from the previous performance tho.

- Chris Brown AND Weezy are as loyal as a dog that meows. But, I’m napping.

- When Chris Rock asked a White lady what NWA was, I paused so hard I pressed the stop square on my iPod. But when she said “National White Association”, I gave all my glory to God’s 501 ( c) (3) non-profit. HILARIOUS.


- Usher took us back to nostalgia heaven and I got my entire life. I also have to reiterate the the fact I can spell out my name perfectly to “Nice & Slow” JUST like Usher and this means, by default, that I’m wifey material.

- My sis and I always talk about how JHud makes music for old women who go to lounges with sparkly jackets. She do.


- Listen. If Boris and Poussey start speaking German to me at the same time, my entire vagina will evaporate.

- MC Lyte (before commercial break): Will Robin Thicke Win His Lady Back?? / Everyone Via Text Message: i don't care


- Pink wanted the job of that cirque du soleil performer behind August Argentina so bad.

- They really recycled the same variation of Weezy’s shirt over and over. I’m looking for it to show up on Pharrell’s hat next.


- John Legend (during the Lionel Ritchie tribute performance): HELLO. IS IT ME YOU'RE LOOKIN FORURRRRRGHHHH….AH!

- That transition from the James Brown intro to… “Best Group” nominees was as awkward as fart in a sauna.


- Keke Palmer definitely looks like a Twitter Honey Transformer.

- I know that we should be noting that Debra Lee has a lot to improve upon with BET, but ALL I can think about is how much she sounds like a constipated chipmunk. :(


- Robin Thicke is sorry for 2014.

- I was absolutely here and present for Nicki shading Iggy AshtonKutcher by saying she actually writes her rhymes. The hair flip at the end made it art.



1) Pharrell really made sure that the chicks at the front of his stage for the BET wards are indisputably black. He had them double dutching. He even had their tops say "BAE". My goodness.


2) "And John Legend murdered you on your own shit" - Nas to Jhene Aiko

3) They really hyped up a Beyonce and Jay-Z ustream video though? My one question: why out of the two of them was Jay-Z sweating the most? Did he add some jumping jacks to his routine?


4)Robin Thicke MUST BE STOPPED

5)I'm pretty sure its against the laws of physics for August Alsina and Trey Songs to occupy the same space. We just saw God's work for that performance (as evidenced by their quite aerodynamic dancers).



That was only 2 out of 4 of the original Color Me Badd. That was not Bryan. Bryan looks more like present day Busta Rhymes (who presently looks like a 1985 Koopa Troopa) than whoever the hell that impostor was. And the one with the natural hair was missing, too. And whoever casted the show ain't shit for not unearthing SHAI. #HU.


It is a very special level of fame to watch yourself perform on a live awards show from the comfort of your own penthouse suite. #illuminottayyyy

Nicki Zebra Katz Minaj.

I absolutely love and appreciate that they were there, but I hope Phylicia Rashad and Myrlie Evers were in the sanctity of a soundproof chamber for everything but the Lionel Richie tribute. No way I can compute them being forced to sit through These Hoes Ain't Loyal.


The segue to commercial artists trumped 75% of the show. More Gabi Wilson, please. Less Jhene Aiko. Actually, no more of that young lady. Ever.

Did you watch the show? What were your thoughts?

Panama Jackson is the Senior Editor of Very Smart Brothas. He's pretty fly for a light guy. You can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking all her brown liquors.

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Jhene cannot sing. She's a pretty, racially ambigious, emo girl that's being passed off as a "singer".

I was really put off by Chris Rock telling that white man he's "scared of black women". Like we don't already get enough of the angry black woman trope without his assistance.

What does BET have against people who can actually sing? Ledisi is forever doing tributes and not singing her own songs. Lalah Hathaway needs to have a permanent spot on this show. Why aren't we showcasing Robert Glasper and his talents on the piano? I mean, I know Viacom hates us but we can't slide someone of substance into this show?

My girl Anique is one of the newest My Black is Beautiful Ambassadors!!!! #HowardWomenRock

Desean Jackson is the epitome of childish. If I didn't think it before I definitely am sure of it at this point and time.

Pretty Boy Floyd reads on a 2nd grade level.

Also, as I stated on Tumblr, look at how BET seamlessly transitioned from Trey Songz to Yolanda Adams! From pussea to the pulpit. No one's got you, like BET's got you.