Betsy DeVos Is the World’s Most Useless White Woman

Illustration for article titled Betsy DeVos Is the World’s Most Useless White Woman
Photo: Alex Wong (Getty Images)

Of course, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos is not the world’s most useless white person. That title belongs to sentient-pile-of-shredded-Monopoly-money-lining-an-albino-hamster’s-cage Jared Kushner, who has somehow managed to stay dead in the center of every Trump-related scandal despite the fact that no one knows what he does or did before whatever he’s doing now, or even what he fucking sounds like. Shit, even though we know what he looks like, he’s so indistinct and so aggressively “eh” that if you went to Trader Joe’s tonight and saw him working there, you wouldn’t think, “Wow. That cashier looks just like Jared Kushner!” Just “Wow. For some reason I’m compelled to smack the shit out of this cashier!”

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That said, Betsy DeVos is making quite the strong case. Consider what happened Wednesday when DeVos visited Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Fla.

From the Huffington Post:

The brief visit, which was closed to reporters, came three weeks after the mass shooting that killed 17 students and staff members. DeVos took only a handful of questions at a news conference afterward, not getting into specific details about the visit or what policy proposals she would consider to curb gun violence.

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This sounds pretty damn useless.

Many of the students, some of whom have become activists for gun control in the wake of the shooting, said on social media that DeVos didn’t meet with many students and “barely” responded to their questions.

Useless AF.

Carly Novell, an editor at the student newspaper, the Eagle Eye, said that even student publications were restricted from interacting with DeVos and that “no one followed her.”

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Useless infinity.

Anna Fusco, Broward Teachers Union president, who was present during DeVos’ visit, confirmed the students’ accounts, telling HuffPost that “they didn’t see the purpose of her being there.”

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Thai-style fried rice with shrimp and useless.

To be fair, DeVos’ entire steez is just one relentless spritz of uselessness. So her visit to Parkland wasn’t any more or any less useless than usual. Her uselessness is both hilarious and dangerous—oh so fucking dangerous—but it does have integrity. You won’t catch her being useful when no one’s looking. Nope. Her useless has more character than that.

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But, please, don’t shed any tears for useless little Betsy. America has and even creates space for useless white people to survive and thrive. If this secretary of education thing doesn’t work out, she could always follow the footsteps of other useless white women and maybe sue the University of Texas for not admitting her. Or perhaps she could be a rapper. The sky is the limit for her.

Actually, that’s a lie. Jared Kushner is her ceiling, because she’ll never be more useless than he is. Let’s not get too crazy here.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

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DISCUSSION

This alone would get his ass whupped in most neighborhoods. Kevlar OVER a blazer, WTF???

That said, she’s not only useless but cruel AF. And dangerous considering her brother is that punk-ass mercenary who’s trying to completely privatize the military & be accountable to no one.