Screenshot: Tidal

The (almost) billionaire parents of Blue Ivy will be on tour again this summer. Which I guess is good news for the people who live in the cities that this tour will stop in. Good for you for living in those cities, people who live in those cities! I am happy for you, and the exclamation point at the end of this sentence is in no way meant to be sarcastic!

It is not, however, good news for Pittsburghers, who live in a city that the middle-aged Brooklynite and his snack-wielding wife avoid like GroupMe invitations from Kardashians (“No Kim, I don’t want to be on your Wave!”). Twenty-one stops were announced, and none of them are Pittsburgh. None of them!

Sure, they have Pittsburgh-but-With-Niggas (Cleveland). Pittsburgh-After-the-Great-Flood (Buffalo, N.Y.). The-Place-Pittsburghers-Drive-to-When-They-Wish-to-See-Niggas (Washington, D.C.). And Pittsburgh-but-With-Cheez-Whiz-and-Rocky-and-Rats (Philadelphia). But no Pittsburgh. NO PITTSBURGH!

Adding insult to injury is that after looking at their dates, you see they clearly fly right the fuck over Pittsburgh multiple times. They’re in Cleveland July 25 and D.C. July 28, and you can’t do that without passing the Burgh, which means they’re probably just going to fly over us and drop 20,000 Memphis Bleek CDs on our heads.


Later, they fly from Boston to Minneapolis, which is sort of over the Burgh. And then from Buffalo (!!!) to Nashville, Tenn., which you can’t do without passing through western Pennsylvania. And no one has ever gone from freakin’ Buffalo to Nashville and subbed Pittsburgh, ’cause that’s like going from gout to mumps and saying, “Fuck measles, b.” Measles matter too!

They’re doing the same thing Brandi Johnson did on Valentine’s Day in fourth grade where she gave Reese’s Cups and a Mr. Yuck sticker to everyone in homeroom except for me. And just like I did with Brandi Johnson, I’m going to let their friend requests just sit for a while like I have more important things to do when “Lilly” from The Fighting Temptations and her barber-averse husband attempt to add me on Facebook.