YouTube screenshot via Ivy Park

Because everything that Beyoncé does is a thing, there’s a better than 50 percent chance that you’re aware that she is dropping an “athleisure” clothing line called Ivy Park via TopShop and other high end retailers in the near future. If you don’t already have some shit to do the yoga in – you do – you can now spend more money on something to do the yoga in the way Queen Bey does.

This clothing line was announced via one of the more ridiculously dramatic promotional videos I’ve seen in a while. We’ve got slow motion, women double dutching in the rain, black and white scenes in the woods, water bottles, high intensity interval training, Beyoncé possibly putting her hair in the water while swimming though all you see is her face emerging from the water, Beyoncé being super sexy in her boxing stance, Blue Ivy, and a voiceover from Beyoncé constantly talking about all the times she’d go to this park to think about life, family, and whatever else needed thinking about.

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While I’m sure she’s embellishing a little bit – we all love a good park, but I mean, shit, it doesn’t seem like she’s had a free minute to spend in the latrine in years – it represents more of a state of mind, complete with the ending question “where is your park?”

I don’t have a park, yo. This troubles me. I need a park. I wonder if I buy some Ivy Park (I realize it’s a women’s line, but that hoodie looks pretty unisex), will I find me a park? I need a park.

I grew up in many places. I’m sure there were parks nearby and if so, I definitely squandered those opportunities to sit in the park, think, and then come back with a clothing line that emblazons a word in some sort of block font on the front that will sell millions because I’m associated with it. Hustling backwards, thy name is Panama.

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Personal failings aside, there are a few things of note involved with this promo video.

1. Why is it so damn dramatic? Look, I love me a good work out as much as the next person who barely works out, but the promo just seems unnecessarily over the top. I feel like it would have been just as effective if everybody was having fun working out and tossing pillows and shit at one another. In fact, the video for “7/11” could probably be a better marketing tool. If she recreated that video with Ivy Park clothing on, that would be thebomb.com. I understand that the point was to point at some “park” state of mind with the idea of finding your contemplative space and juxtapose that with working out and being fit.

I get it.

But that “7/11” video looks like as much of a work out as Hip-Hop Abs, which once you get past Shaun T’s hilariousness it is actually quite the 45-minute workout. Point is, who didn’t want to be part of the “7/11” video? You make that the Ivy Park “commercial” and I think everybody’s in like, “oh shit, let’s go have fun in Ivy Park apparel AND make a video in somebody’s hotel.” Right now I associate Ivy Park with thinking too much and parks I never went to as a child. Plus, that “fresher than you” line is perfect for the clothing line. It’s stylish and when working out you’re also fresher than everybody else who ain’t wearing Ivy Park. I see no downside here.

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2. I think the promo would have worked better WITHOUT the Beyoncé voiceover. I love Beyoncé like a fat kid loves cake, so I’m not sending for any of you motherfuckers.

Read that again, I’M NOT SENDING FOR ANY OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.

But Beyoncé being “deep” is an all-around loss at all times. She comes across as insincere no matter how much she probably means it. It’s not her bag, yo. She’s good at, like, everything else, though. There’s a reason why people started to fall in love with the personality driven Yonce of the more recent videos. She has looked like she’s having fun while being herself. I’m sure Beyoncé is a deep person with journals of emotions and writes with a mood ring to help her figure out how she’s feeling in any particular moment. But that didn’t really connect in this promo. It felt overly dramatic and unnecessary.

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Seeing Blue Ivy was cute though. And I realize that Beyoncé has spent more money at Whataburger than I may see in my entire life so what she doesn’t need is input or criticism from me. Hell, it’s a woman’s line and I’m asking about copping a hoodie. So the intended goal of creating anticipation for sales exists. I guess ultimately, Ivy Park will be another win on the board for Beyoncé and more power to her and her family.

I’ll love it like XO.

I just wish I had me a park.

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