1. You’re literally getting murdered.
The mere threat of murder isn’t really enough because inviting a murder squad to your house just because you heard a bump or a chainsaw in the night is hustling backward. Chasing possible murder with probable murder is like chasing Fireball with Honey Jack. No, the ax needs to be embedded in your spleen before you call 911.
2. Some white kids are making too much noise somewhere, and you’re a safe distance away from them.
If Chadley Crewneck and his boys are doing privilege-y things like listening to Nickelback in public and making loud noises while rocking Patagonia, totally, definitely, call the cops on those thugs.
3. You see a roach somewhere.
Doesn’t really apply if you’re in New York or Philly or another roach-motel city. (I will never get over how many roaches just hang out in and rule the streets of New York City. They’re basically the Dipset there.) But if you’re somewhere you’re not expecting to see any, and one appears unexpectedly, you’re totally justified to call the cops on it.
4. You see Stacey Dash somewhere.
Someone should invent a 911 app specifically for Stacey Dash sightings. Like, you see her on TV, you click on your app, and the cops immediately find her, grab her offscreen and take her to a playground.
5. You caught Darth Susan at the office in another passive-aggressive lie.
Do not, however, attempt to do this while you’re actually at work. Because she’ll cry, she’ll blame you for her tears, and making a white woman cry in public is a capital offense in 37 states.
In fact, just to be safe, you should probably wait until you get a new job.
6. When the police are following and/or fucking with you for no reason.
Has anyone actually tried calling the police on the police? I know at the very least it would just produce more police—which seems counterproductive—but who knows? Maybe they’d just start line-dancing or something.
7. When you’re at a two-hour-long morning staff meeting and the niggas running it didn’t bring any fucking doughnuts.
Bagels count, too. As do croissants, waffles, pancakes and various swine meats. But if there’s no food and it’s 8:30 a.m. and I’m gonna be there until 11, someone needs to die. Or maybe just spend an hour in jail.
8. When people leave a comment on a blog or article or status just to express how much they don’t care about the topic on which they’re leaving a comment.
As technologically illiterate as I am, I’ll go full Edward Snowden and track IP addresses if it sends those analog motherfuckers to prison.
9. Someone tells you, “You speak so well.”
Which is code for “You speak so white.” So use that well-speaking-ass-ness to pretend to be white when you call the cops on they ass.
10. You see suspicious white people.
No one calls the cops enough on weird-acting white people. More weird-acting white people need to be in the system. And I don’t care if they didn’t actually do anything yet. They all fit a description.