Illustration for article titled Bubble Guppies, Explained
Screenshot: Nick Jr. (YouTube)

What is a Bubble Guppy?

No idea. 

None?

No. A Bubble Guppy could be at my desk, right now, on a FaceTime call with Jason Derulo, and all I’d be thinking is “Where are his pants?

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Whose pants?

I don’t know.

You’re not making any sense.

Ask better questions.

Okay. So why are you doing an explainer about Bubble Guppies if you don’t know what a Bubble Guppy is?

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Well, I know that Bubble Guppies is a show that my daughter watches. At least I think it’s a show.

You’re not sure if it’s a show?

I don’t. I just know that there’s a Bubble Guppies song that I hear in my office at least twice a day.

Every day.

Can you sing it?

Can I sing it? Motherfucker, it’s a phantasm etched into my brain; a taunting haunt tattooed on my cerebral cortex; a corroding Jabberwocky that steals light and replaces it with shit. As I creep towards the endless slumber, anticipating the deliverance of sweet death, the yawning void of nothingness is lined with the lyrics to that godforsaken song.

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“Bub Bub Bubble Gup Gup Guppies! Bubble Bubble Bubble! Guppies Guppies Guppies! Bubble! Bubble! Guppy! Guppy! BUBBLE GUPPIES!”

PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!

You’re the one singing it. Why are you asking me to make it stop?

DON’T YOU SEE, YOU IMBECILE! THE SONG IS INSIDE OF ME. I CAN’T EVEN THINK WITHOUT IT ... “Gup Gup Guppies. Gup Gup Guppies.” ... SEE? THERE IT IS AGAIN!!!

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So what is this show about?

Are you not listening? I don’t even know if it’s a show. I’ve never seen a Bubble Guppy before. Neither have you because THEY DON’T EXIST IN THE NATURAL WORLD. The mechanics of it are nonsensical. How would a guppy eat or breathe if it was trapped inside of a bubble? They would just be Dead Guppies Trapped In Bubbles.

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I think it’s a cartoon, though. so it doesn’t have to be...

You can keep throwing fancy science words like “cartoon” at me, I don’t care. I just know that this is some death cult shit.

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In fact, I just googled “Bubble Guppies” and literally the first result tells me it’s a cartoon about merperson preschoolers that aired on Nick Jr. for five seasons. According to Wikipedia, among the characters featured on the show are turbocharged Gil, leader Molly and drama queen Deema. Oh, and it was just renewed for another season.

DO NOT SPEAK DEEMA’S NAME ALOUD! DO NOT SUMMON THE WICKED LEVIATHAN. SHE IS THE SPREADER OF DARKNESS, THE SWALLOWER OF SOULS. LUCIFER’S BANEFUL REDEEMER.

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But according to the Bubble Guppies fandom page, Deena is just a “female guppy with a personality as big as her hair!”

I mean, look at how cute she is. Is this the face of Lucifer’s Baneful Redeemer or whatever?

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Illustration for article titled Bubble Guppies, Explained
Screenshot: Nick Jr (YouTube)

YES! THAT DINOSAUR OR WHATEVER IS IN DANGER!

So, if this song and these guppies are so evil, why do you allow your daughter to watch it?

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We’re stuck in the house all day and it gives her something to do after breakfast.

Ah, ok. Makes sense.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a columnist for GQ.com, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

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