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As a washed black dad myself, I’m well-versed in all things washed black dad. I wouldn’t quite call myself a maven just yet—you need approximately 12-15 years of washed black dadding to qualify—but I’m close, and I have the sleeping pattern and sensitive toothpaste to prove it.

Anyway, if you have a washed black dad in your life, you’re aware that buying Christmas gifts can be difficult. Not because we have outrageous demands, but because we pretend like we don’t want anything. “Oh, I just want a nice meal and my family to be safe and happy” is what the washed black dad tends to say when pressed—as he’s just glad to conclude another year without being shot by the cops. And while this isn’t false, it’s more true-adjacent than actually true. The reality is that the washed black dad wants to be thought of while also telling everyone that he doesn’t want to be thought of. And if this makes you suspect that the typical washed black dad is secretly a diva, you’re right!

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So, what do you get for the man who has things, says he doesn’t want things, but would appreciate things—and would definitely feel a way if he didn’t get things? Good question!

1. Comfortable slippers and plush-as-fuck robes

Washed black dads love nothing more than to be comfortable while seated somewhere, and what better way to ensure his iron-deficient ass stays warm and cozy than some nice house shoes and a plush-as-fuck robe? Be careful, though, because if the robe is too comfortable this nigga might start wearing it to Target.

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2. Drop-front Shoe Box Cases from the Container Store

Because of the whole “blacks in America don’t have wealth because of slavery-based residue” thing, many washed black dads placed somewhere on the broke spectrum while growing up, and couldn’t afford the expensive sneakers some of their classmates had. Now that they finally have enough disposable income to buy them, many washed black dads have become hypebeasts at 37, elbowing 13-year-olds out the way to cop the Jordan 3s they’ve wanted since they were nine.

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Unfortunately, they need somewhere to store them, because most washed black dads use the shoeboxes for newspaper clippings and unopened mail from the IRS. Fortunately, The Container Store has a solution to this problem, as their Drop-Front Shoe Box Cases can turn his random pile of sneakers lined against a basement wall into a boutique.

3. The WAZE app

The directions are cool, but washed black dads already swear they know how to get places without them, so that might be a wash. The real purpose of downloading WAZE for them and convincing them to always use it is to get alerts when cops are in the vicinity. Washed black dads are washed because they’re old. And the best way to get old is to stay alive. And the best way for black men to stay alive is to avoid the police.

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4. The NBA League Pass

Nothing makes the washed black dad happier than espousing senseless and illogical takes comparing today’s professional athletes to who he grew up watching, and the NBA League Pass gives him a perfect opportunity to feel nostalgic for a time that didn’t actually exist.

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5. Popeyes Chicken Sandwich

Washed black dads didn’t have time to wait in line during the craze, because you put him in a single location for longer than 17 minutes, and his ass is falling asleep. But now that things have settled, what better way to show your appreciation for him than a big ass piece of white thigh meat slathered in breading and butter?

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a columnist for GQ.com, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

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