St. Louis County Prosecutor's Office/Getty Images
St. Louis County Prosecutor's Office/Getty Images

Darren Wilson is a dick.

Not in the figurative sense (although he is that too).

No, I came to that conclusion after seeing the first clear images of him — the photos of the injuries he sustained while involved in the life-threatening altercation with the 8'4, 720 pound Michael Brown.

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Darren Wilson is dick, literally. He is a six foot four penis someone drew a somewhat convincing human face on. His mouth sits slightly open and subtly askew like a urinary meatus. His neck froths in place like extra foreskin. His white t-shirt limps on him like a baggy condom on a flaccid dick. Even his injuries (and by "injuries" I mean "slightly flushed cheeks") closely resemble how the skin of a penis looks after a person with a penis has been sitting in an awkward position for two and a half minutes. He is a real life Mr. Potato Head, except if the potato was a penis.

When you realize this — that Darren Wilson is a penis impersonating a man — everything that's been happening in Ferguson makes more sense. If Darren Wilson is a penis, then Bob McCulloch's pre-press conference smirking becomes understandable. Because who could possibly think anything about this situation was funny…unless, of course, you knew that the "person" being exonerated was actually just a giant penis with a person face? That would be fucking hilarious. I would not be able to contain myself. If I knew Darren Wilson was literally a penis and I was forced to address the nation about him/it, I would literally piss my pants trying to keep a straight face.

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It also makes sense now why Darren Wilson was so scared. Because he's an actual penis, and penises shrink when faced with any type of threat, real or perceived. Shit, loud thunder has made my penis shrink before, so I can imagine that a life sized penis would have thought "HOLY SHIT, I'M ABOUT TO DIE!" when Michael Brown made a mean face at it.

So, I get it now. The joke is on us. You got us really good this time. But it won't happen again. Fool us once, penis person, shame on you. Fool us twice, shame on us.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a columnist for GQ.com, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

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