Can I talk my shit?

I think I can talk my shit.

I'm gon' talk my shit.

It's August in America, which means that for a significant number of people, it is around the time that their children - those sometimes tiny, bite sized creatures who don't know much of shit but swear they do - begin to prepare to go back to school. For many of us with children, it is both a time of excitement and vulnerability. It's exciting because, finally, you don't have to figure out what to do with your kids during the day anymore. It's a simple joy, but a joy nonetheless; the summer camp, activity hustle can be real when you have school aged children. It's a time of vulnerability because we're sending our kids back to school, some for the first time in "big kid school" to a place where shit happens that's outside the realm of our control. It can be scary. But that's another talk show for another day.


The point is, its school time. So from early to mid-August through early September, if you're on Facebook, it is ENTIRELY possible for your timeline to be flooded with pictures of smiling kids wearing that new freshness they bought in July but haven't pulled out of the closet til last night. I remember getting new "school shoes" in May and not being able to touch them until school started back in August. Those were the days. The little girls are lookin' super fly and the boys got the fresh cuts, or those new fresh cuts that look like unfresh cuts, or something. I don't really understand whats happening with boys haircuts these days. For a while they were all throwbacks to the early 90s and now they're somewhere between early 90s and 2014 white Brooklyn hipster. It's all very confusing.

The point is, there are pictures. And lots of them. And do you know why there are lots of pictures of kids on your FB timeline?

It's because you follow motherfuckers with kids. So why in the fuck are any of you complaining about people posting pictures of their kids on the first day of school on Facebook? Real question. I didn't even believe this was a thing. I saw people complaining about other people complaining about the non-stop pictures of first-day-of-school pictures on FB. But realistically, this couldn't be a thing, could it? After all, following a person is an entirely voluntary activity. You kind of don't have to do that shit, fam. And policing what me and you, your momma, and your cousin too, choose to post on their social media? On some shit you don't have to see? That can't be a thing either…right?


But lo and behold, on a quiet Saturday afternoon, I saw it with my own eyes: a person I  know complaining about people posting pictures of their children…on THEIR own FB pages. Then I saw another complaint. At that point I was dumbfounded. These are two reasonably educated people. I went to school with them. I had classes with them. I've heard them say shit that seemed like they owned a modicum of common sense, at the very least. But there they were, in black and white, coming for niggas that didn't send for them. And if two people I know with common sense are doing this, then there has to be a cottage industry of non-common sense having motherfuckers for which Facebook is their sanctuary and Twitter is their El Dorado doing this same thing.

I take issue with anybody policing what the fuck you put on your Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram pages. Why? Glad you asked. Because you don't HAVE to follow any of these people. If you don't like what people post, my G, unfollow, defriend, and move the fuck on. I like to drink. My IG page is FULL of shots of shots. And full of shots of niggas taking shots. And full of shots of niggas taking shots right after the shot we just took of us taking shots. I use to my IG to post a lot of fun. I also use it to promote my events and post pictures of my chilluns and funny shit I come across. Basically, I post what the fuck I want because it's mine. Not even you may have had it once but I have it all the time. Naw, fam. It's mine. All day nigga. And short of breaking the rules laid out in Whichever Social Media Platform Terms of Service, I can post whatever the fuck I want to post when I want to post it. It's my party and fuck you. And many of us…well, we have kids. And we like them.

You also have a social media platform that you use evidenced by the fact that you're using it to lament the pictures you don't actually have to see of kids you don't know on people's pages. And that's cool but am I complaining about that single shit you post on your page? Probably not. Most people with kids are happily focusing on their own lives and letting you cook because well they're busy as hell.


But you're upset because motherfuckers with a legacy are posting it on Facebook? Look, the choice to have kids is your own…well, sometimes your own. But if you have them, their yours. And the first day of school is a big damn deal. Period. You motherfuckers without kids might not get this shit, and that's cool. But know that when you do procreate, or somebody allows you to procreate with them, you're gonna be doing the same shit because you will get it. I promise. So shut the fuck up about people posting pictures of their kids on Facebook.

Turn your head. Look the other way. Unfollow. Defriend. As Black Sheep said, the choice is yours.

I realize there is a war going on outside that no man is safe from, and its largely between single (I mean tax purposes single; live your life, b) people without kids and people with kids. People without kids feel like kids they don't know (or want) are often being forced down their throats on airplanes, at restaurants, and generally in life. And that's fair. Kids can be a lot, and if you don't want them or aren't ready, their very presence plus kicking your seat or yelling in the restaurant can be a nuisance. Life is a hell of a lot different with kids than it is without. Anybody with a kid can attest to this. Life changes.


And people with kids want to live their lives without somebody making them feel like their child being around is a super inconvenience. We just want to eat our meals with as much peace as we can provided that our kids are little and prone to do kid shit. It often feels like folks without kids think there should be explicit kid-free zones (unlike implied kid free zones like nightclubs, bars, brothels, etc), which mostly means: wherever they are at whatever time they're there. I have kids so I understand the struggle of wrapping your entire life around parenting. But I also manage to go out and have fun so I understand what its like when there's ONE kid around and everybody has to alter their language and discussion topics to not do anything to ruin the child's life. I've been the parent who has had the only kid at an event before and you know what? I often left early because I get both sides. I'm enjoying time with my kid and my friends but in reality, you have to learn when its okay to do both and more importantly, WHO to do that with. I have lots of childless friends who LOVE hanging out with my kids and tell me to bring them with me everywhere.

I also have friends without kids who are living their lives at the speed they want and kids tend to slow that down. Both lives are okay. As a person with kids, I've had to learn how to draw that balance. Again, anybody with kids who has friends without kids learns how to do that dance.

But all of that common sense I just spit right there? None of that is online. That's real life. It's real life decisions that happen in physical form. When your dumbass chooses to follow somebody on social media who has kids, you can REASONABLY expect to see them tiny- to midsized- people all up and through their timelines and on their pages. And you gon' need to suck that shit up. Especially during birthdays, Christmas, Easter, and back to school time.


So please, shut the fuck up about pictures of kids on a Facebook page you don't have to follow. And if they're you're friend and you're following them for that purpose, shut the fuck up some more and deal. They're just pictures. They won't bite you. They're not ruining your day. We enjoy seeing your vacation pictures with all the people around living la vida loca without a care in the world. Reminds us of the days before we had kids. Keep that shit up. Post your fun. Talk your shit.

But quit complaining about something you don't HAVE to look at. Because now I have to unfriend you for being stupid. And I don't want to do that.


Ya know…if this person is you. And it's probably not. But if it is.