Maybach Music

I love ridiculous shit. The more ridiculous the shit, the happier I am. I totally did not intend the forthcoming pun, which is to say, that its no pun intended. You've got to appreciate that Mr. Cheeks-level turn of phrase right there.*

The pun? Glad you asked. In Omarion's latest hit song, "Post To Be" featuring Chris Brown and Jhene Aiko, Ms. Aiko of the ironically titled "The Worst" fame spits this wonderful line: "but he gotta eat the booty like groceries…"

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Oh Jhene.

Before we move on to the absurdity of said lyric - I contend that it doesn't actually work -  I'd like the congregation to turn to the book of SayHeffaSayWhat and take a moment to appreciate the grammar assasination that happened on the very title of the song. "Post To Be" is a shortened version of "Supposed To Be". I've seen niggas say " 'posed to be", but "Post" is some new level fuckery. That's Twitter stupidity on acid remixed with everything Tyrese ever learned in his elementary school in Watts. In fact, I believe the type of motherfucker who would think "post" works in that title ALSO doesn't realize its dumb-dumb nigga short hand for 'supposed'. For them "post" is a regular ass word up there with 'pacifically' for specifically. Be that as it may, I'm a better person today because there is a song out there called "Post To Be". And believe it or not, you are too. I have nothing to back this up with by the way. Juvenile.

Let's get back to eating booty like groceries and whether or not the analogy works. Because what kind of man would I be, if I didn't eat grooooooooooceries.

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Impressive lines like this manifest in one of two ways: 1) you randomly say shit like that in a moment of unsobriety and realize you're sitting on a goldmine and you manage to craft an entire verse around the ability to use that one line; or 2) you're just trying to find a word that rhymes with whatever else the fuck you just said and well, this is what happens. See the career of Young Jeezy who has eschewed so much conventional rap shit and just started rhyming shit with itself.

Oh Jeezy.

I ventured to Wikipedia where, amazingly, there is an entire paragraph dedicated to how Jhene Aiko came up with said line in "Post To Be":

Omarion sent the song to Aiko asking if she would make an appearance on the track, Aiko agreed due to her friendship with Omarion, Aiko began "playing with the rhyme scheme" and states that the lyric "Post To Be" reminded her of rapper Kevin Gates Vines, in which he would talk about "booty". Following this Aiko began writing with long time collaborator Micah Powell, during the writing Aiko states to Powell; 'Whatever we say, I really want to say something about eating the booty.' He keeps saying in the Vines—'You ’posed to eat the booty.'"[4]

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There are a few things of note in this paragraph: 1) Anything inspired by Kevin Gates is generally a bad idea. This is, after all, a man who found out he was fucking his cousin and said he would continue because the pussy was too good.  Then there's the whole "she won't blow my dog"  thing, real or not. But hell, with Kevin Gates…anything is possible. The point is, being inspired by anything Kevin Gates is doing starts you out behind the game. Hehehe. Another pun. Because booty. Because groceries. 2) Who the fuck hits the notepad and says, "yo, no matter what goes in this verse, something about eating the booty needs to be in there…that's the shit I need in the Library of Congress for an eternity"? Oh. Jhene Aiko apparently. 3) It took TWO MOTHERFUCKERS TO COME UP WITH THAT? Holy fuckcakes. Real spit…T-Boz proved that failure was a real thing with her acting in Belly, and Jhene Aiko proves that being successful sometimes is purely about being at the right place at the right time. Babyface she is not.

So now we know how we got here, let's take a look at the actuality of it all. Look, I know what she meant. Groceries equals food to 99 percent of people. So she's saying, eat that booty like you're eating food. And to be fair, there's something magical about saying "booty" and "groceries" in the same line. It's the kind of lyric that sticks to your ribs, ya know. Shit, if somebody was eating your booty and you didn't yell out "groceries" I'd call that a fail. There's almost never NOT a good time to yell "groceries" if we're being honest. Basketball? Check. Sex? Check. Booty eating? Check. Raise at work? Check. Successful oil change? Check. Successful indiegogo campaign? Check. The list really is endless.

Hell, I just yelled out "groceries" right now because I hit enter. If I could change the "enter" key to say "groceries" I'd yell out "groceries", HIT the "groceries" key and then say thats how it's post to be.

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I just won the game.

Delving further into the groceries though, is that even really the BEST way to eat the booty? I mean, groceries, by definition, are actually items you can purchase from a grocer. But that could mean anything. If I go to the grocery store and I buy, let's say, butter, could I eat the booty like butter? Probably not. First off, do not just eat butter by itself. You will die. Your arteries will come out up out of your chest like Groot in Guardians of the Galaxy and choke you…and then you will die.

Bacon? Eat the booty like bacon? That might work. People devour bacon with their fingers and all. And if you're going to eat the booty, you better be going for the gold, ya know. There's no way to eat the booty where you can get away with half-assing it. Gotdammit. Another pun. I didn't even try that time. You get it.

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But maybe bacon works, but like, a grape tomato does not. You just toss that in your mouth and chew. You are not tossing a booty in your mouth and chewing. You just aren't. Perhaps though, you could eat the booty like, an Italian ice cup where you know you have to scoop out the flavored ice but let's say you dropped your wood scoop on the ground and you JUST missed the three-second rule so you can't use it anymore, so you have to try to eat the icy with your finger and moving shit around and scooping it up with your tongue and…well you see where I'm going with this.

Point is, the analogy doesn't work universally even though I know what she means. I think its magic, but it falls flat on execution. It's not narrow enough in its scope.

Analogy? Fail.

But, on a technicality of pure joy, it wins the game. So continue to eat the booty like groceries if that's your chosen way to do so. Panama says its okay.

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Yes. I just wrote over 1,200 words talking about eating the booty like groceries. But you just read it so…

Groceries!

*Because some of you have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm making a reference to Mr. Cheeks verse on the song "Renee" where he raps, "she said she wants to be a lawyer/ in other words, shorty studies law…"