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Every Conversation I've Ever Had With A Woman Who Prefers Much Older Men

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"So, I've noticed you seem to prefer to date guys who are quite a few years older than you."

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"Define quite a few."

"Stop it. You know what I mean. Whichever age discrepancy officially makes the man an older man. For a 19 year old woman, an older man would be a 26 year old guy. But, for a 30 year old woman, the difference between 30 and 37 isn't that great, so an older man for her might be a 45 or 50 year old man."

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"Got it."

"So…?"

"You're right. I've always preferred to date men who were considerably older than me. At 20 I had a 29 year old boyfriend. And now, at 29, I just prefer men in their early 40s to men my age."

"Why is that?"

"They've just always been more mature. More settled. More sure of themselves. I've always been somewhat mature for my age — I had my own place at 19 — and I've always vibed better with them. Even going back to high school and college, I've always dated up. From my vantage point, there's really no downside. I mean yeah, younger guys are more likely to be in better physical shape, I guess. But Crossfit works on 40-year-old bodies too. And sex with an in-shape 42-year-old >>>>>>>>>>>> sex with an in-shape 32-year-old."

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"That's too much information."

"I'm just saying. You asked. Don't ask questions if you don't want answers."

"You're right. I did. And, I have another question for you."

"Ask away."

"What about guys your age? Or, better yet, how do you feel about guys your age who prefer to date considerably younger women? For instance, what would you assume about a 30-year-old man who dates nothing but 20 and 21-year-olds."

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"I have a 21-year-old sister. And, she's awesome, but she's a 21-year-old. Her Twitter handle is drakesboo for chrissakes. I love her, but yeah. A 30-year-old man interested in her would get a serious side-eye from me."

"Why?'

"I'd assume he was emotionally — and, to be honest, sexually — immature. And wanted a much younger woman so he could mold or control her."

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"Hmm."

"What?"

"Couldn't you say the same thing about older men interested in dating a much younger you? That, as mature as you considered yourself to be, they were attracted to you in part because they were emotionally and sexually immature and wanted a much younger woman to control? Wouldn't a 45-year-old you say that about the 45-year-old men you're dating now?"

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"It's not the same thing."

"Why not?"

"Because…I'm different."

"Ok, 2 Chainz."

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

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DISCUSSION

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LonnieDots

Older men have more to offer as people and partners. They're better at handling the nuances of relationships, they're more apt to understanding how to comprehend and gel with womanhood, you're more likely to be respected and valued as a woman/partner, they're more established economically, they have more insight to offer you, there's more to trust about them, they're less selfish s*xually and more adept at tuning into your s*xuality. Personally, I prefer a guy who's stacked that way within 3-5 years of me but there's a lot of pros that comes with older men. We're talking 26 and 36 though. Or 35 and 47. That's not applicable to 17 and 24. I don't have a problem with large age differences in couple's but the woman has to be of age. You have a problem going on inside yourself if you're dipping into pools of minors to satisfy yourself or even towing that minor too close. If you're waiting for someone to turn an age where it's legal to be with her, she's too young for you bro.

For the most part though, older men wanting younger women seems to be a thing of childbearing. Most people I know with huge age differences between them have a sh*t ton of kids and have been married for quite a few decades. I guess the younger you start the more you can build and the more fitted to the man she is in that. Not even in some dark, nefarious way. You have a young partner and (19-mid twenties) and she develops around her partnership with you, and if you're talking marriage, kids, and legacy you truly do need someone to be that deep in the process. That's how I see it at least.