Here at VSB, we spend a lot of time discussing Blackness. Today will be no different. I had the pleasure of attending a concert headlined by SWV (easily one of my favorite groups of all time) and undercarded by both Erica Campbell (of Mary Mary fame) and Traci Braxton (of every other Braxton aside from her fame). In the midst of attending this concert I made a series of interesting and accurate observations; facts, if you will. I shall share them with you because, as we all know, sharing is caring.
All Most Black people are defenseless against "The Wobble".
He will likely never make it to any "one-hit wonder" lists because I'm not sure white people know "The Wobble" exists unless they marry into Blackness or happen upon an event where at least 80 percent of the people are black colored, but V.I.C. has created a song that renders Black people useless for up to 5-minutes. And yes, 60 percent of the time, it works every time that song comes on that people lose their whole shit. They wobble in aisles. They wobble in hospital waiting rooms. If you want to render a group of Black people useless, throw on the Wobble and it is guaranteed that a sizable portion of coloreds will be of out of commission.
See also: Shuffle, Cupid
2. Black people have the fastest transition time between twerking and praising Jesus.
Trust me on this. I spied with my little eyes niggas go apeshit to Bobby Shmurda's murder anthem "Hot Nigga" and in a nano second start turning up to Kirk Franklin's "Shout". Not a single beat was missed. It was almost as if folks did a remix Shmoney Stomp as if there was no conflict at all. Black people, we are a complicated people.
3. Taj from SWV has had the best musical career of all time considering 90 percent of people can't identify her voice if their life depended on it.
In the NFL, punters have 20-year careers and get Ph.D.s in their spare time and read books with sonnets in them on the sideline because their footballness isn't very high. Thing is, they are likely not the ones whose lives go to shit 10 years after leaving the NFL. They live the good life. If I could do this life thing all over, I'd want to be an NFL punter. Anyway, Taj (and let's be real LeeLee too) are like punters who carved out a career as part of one of the most memorable and greatest girl groups ever (yeah, I said it) by obviously being REALLY nice and not biting the hands that fed them. They're the equivalent of the non-singing nigga in Jagged Edge, except way more successful. Funny thing is, Taj can actually sing. But Coko has that voice.
4. If you have a concert for a cause, except nobody knows it before getting there, its very likely that people won't give a shit about any speakers upfront. Especially Black people who came there to see a concert and weren't told they were getting learned something.
This is probably universal but hey, there were only Black folks at said event so I'm claiming it.
5. If you attend a concert where the music acts tend to make one want to stand on their feet, inevitably some people will pretend that everybody should stay sitting and complain when they can't see. This will usually be an older Black woman and she will have enablers.
I hate these people by the way.
6. Stereotypically, all Black people have tremendous rhythm, handed down from the sun-kissed ancestors of civilizations past. In reality, many, many Black people have no clue what rhythm is or where you purchase it.
7. "Back Dat Azz Up" will ensure that Juvenile lives forever, far out living any other contribution from the entire Cash Money catalog.
8. Where there are more than 200 Black people gathered, at least 2 will be THE most inappropriately dressed.
You'd like a for instance wouldn't you? Lucky for you I have one. At said event on last evening - an event sponsored by the NAACP and WEtv, where the speakers included the president and CEO of the NAACP and Congressman G.K. Butterfireld - I saw a woman wearing a cut up tshirt without a bra and her areolas visible. She was rocking so much sideboob that I could actually see her nipples. In plain view. Thing is, I wasn't even surprised or put off by it. It was just another day in the projects.
I think that will do for now. It's Friday, what are some of your Facts About Blacks?