Despite the fact that my ethnically ambiguous looks make me appear as if my name could actually be “Don Juan,” I am no Don Juan. I'm just Leon. I am, however, a guy who wants to use the wisdom gained from years of being a sexy internet geek for good. Today, that goodwill manifests as a list of things not to do if you're on the internet and attempting to attract something other than fleas. And by "fleas" I mean "people with active Hotmail accounts."
You’re welcome, internet.
Like Old Ass Pictures
A notification that says “Clarence liked your photo” from 2008 just says that Clarence has thoroughly gone through EVERY SINGLE PICTURE that you’ve ever posted on Facebook and probably spent an unhealthy amount of time fixated on your image. I won’t go so far as to say what Clarence was probably doing while checking out all of these images of you over the years, but go ahead and use your imagination. It’s a safe bet that Clarence is. Right now.
And again when he gets home from work.
Send Unsolicited Compliments On Specific Body Parts
A friend of mine recently complained about a stranger who sent her a message on Facebook that simply read “Them lips tho.” It’s bad enough that “them lips though" is an even lazier way of saying “what that mouth do?” What’s worse is the fact that this guy led with a passive-aggressive sexual overture before even saying “Hello.” A message simply stating "them lips tho” may as well end with the sentence "I WANT YOU TO PUT THEM SHITS ON MY BODY!” written exactly as it’s printed here, in all caps.
If you are ever smitten with a stranger’s profile pic and moved to the point of writing to her, just start off by introducing yourself and interacting with her like an actual human being as opposed to someone you want something from. Years ago, I saw a photo of a friend of a friend on Facebook and clicked on her profile. I decided to write to her because I was very attracted to her. I will be honest with you: She had the Breasts of Life. It took every once of strength in my light skinned body not to say "Your boobs look like they were hand-crafted by God. Like, He created the the Earth, it’s creatures, the sky an all of it’s Heavenly glory. He rested on the 7th day, then He spent the entire next week fine-tuning them titties you got there." I instead decided to keep it classy and not reference her oh-so-perfect bosom, and it paid off to the tune of us eventually dating.
Send Unsolicited Dick Pics
It’s 2015. This rarely works for anyone, especially when unsolicited. Regardless of whether you’re King Ding A Ling or a Little Itty Bitty Court Jester, it’s a sleazy tactic. Sending surprise dick pics especially sends a message of “potential sex offender” to most women. Granted, some women thoroughly enjoy random dick pics, and the tactic is extremely successful when that happens…but more often than not, it won’t end the way that you want it to. It’s simply not worth the risk. More importantly: have some dignity, man!
*Full disclosure: I have sent dick pics in the past, but that has not happened since the days of MySpace and BlackPlanet. Any picture of my dick that hits the net is more than likely a low resolution relic taken on a shitty flip phone. A low resolution relic taken on a shitty flip phone that I will claim because God was good to me, but a low resolution relic taken on a shitty flip phone nonetheless.
Every time you attempt to curry favor with a woman by trying to bring down the next man, your penis shrinks a little. It’s a scientific fact. If it’s not a scientific fact, then it should be. Stop hating and get your damn life together. Nobody loves you when you’re wack.
This, btw, is also called Peter Gunning. Or Rich Dollazing. Or…just add "ing" to the name of any light skinned male character in the Love and Hip-Hop universe.
Throw Shit At The Wall To See What Sticks
I am a firm believer in discretion. There is nothing wrong with dating multiple people if you are not in a committed relationship with someone. However, if you’re going to date multiple women, use some semblance of circumspection and make your choices wisely. People talk, and the world is smaller than you think. It gets even tinier once you’ve tried to sleep with every living woman within a 25 mile radius.
I’ve seen many a dude become an embarrassing spectacle from trying to simultaneously pursue women who are friends, family members, sorority sisters and the like. The irony is in the fact that what gets them caught up is dishonesty more than anything else. If one owns up to his aintshit early on, it at least gives women a chance to make an informed choice as to whether or not it’s a good idea to go out with you. When you lie (in print, no less) you’re effectively asking for your card to be pulled, and documented for future reference. Life is so much easier when you’re not actively engaged in a tangled web of bullshit.
Leon Scott is the Patron Saint of High Yellow. A thought leader in the field of random thoughts, Leon performs stand-up and serves as the host of a classy little Washington DC comedy show titled 'The Power of Positive Drinking.' You can see more of Leon exploring the line where brilliance and ignorance converge over at www.listentoleon.net.