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1. Tossed salad

Because no one — not even the fire ants and mosquitoes sharing an all-inclusive buffet on your ashy ankles — wants to eat your soggy-ass, lettuce the color of beef and broccoli Timberlands-ass, tossed salad at a fucking cookout.

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2. Tuna salad

The only thing shittier than your StarKist and mayonnaise and macaroni after four hours in the 89 degree heat is your idea to bring StarKist and mayonnaise and macaroni to a gotdamn cookout.

3. That shit you tried to make last night that you never made before but thought to try making

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This is a cookout, not one of your game nights where everyone fellates you for bringing those cucumber burritos Barefoot Contessa taught you to make. Because it's a game night and all anyone really cares about is the post-Taboo twerk contest. But people expect to actually eat the dishes people bring to cookouts.

4. Your bitch-ass fruit salad

There's nothing wrong with fruit salad filled with happy fruit salad fruit, like watermelon and pineapples and other types of random chunky melons. Everyone loves happy fruit salad. But don't be the paragon of bitchassness who prepares a bowl of grapes and bananas and has the audacity to expect people to eat it.

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5. Off brand meats

This means your chicken livers, your meatloafs, your fried bolognas, and every other bitch-ass quasi meat only six-year-olds with abusive great aunts should ever eat.

6. Your leftovers

New Rule: Bring a two-week old bowl of baked beans to a cookout and get beat with it.

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7. Shit you brought just enough of so only you can eat it

This is cool if you have some type of bitch-ass dietary restrictions and don't want to subject everyone to it. But, don't be the asshole who brings something everyone likes — crab legs, shrimp cocktail, prime rib, weed brownies etc — but only brings enough so your bitch-ass is the only one who can eat it.

8. Potato salad if you're not an officially certified and verified potato salad maker

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This is more for your own good than everyone else's. Because one glance at your soggy-ass, giant-ass potato chunks in the salad-ass "potato salad" will make people want to throw you in the lake. And if there's no lake near by, they'll go on Google maps, find the nearest lake, drive you and your analog potato salad to it, and kick you both off a pier.