Earlier today, ESPN reports, sentient cash register wrapped in a Jos. A. Bank discount-rack pocket square Roger Goodell rained mediocre vengeance and slightly perturbed anger down on the hopes of the Dallas Cowboys and their fans as the NFL suspended Ezekiel Elliott six games for a series of alleged domestic abuse instances in 2016. These allegations are actually one of three separate criminal-adjacent circumstances Elliott has been involved with in the last year.
Before disciplining Elliott, the NFL considered the domestic violence allegations from February 2016 and July 2016, as well as a St. Patrick’s Day incident this March in which he pulled down a woman’s shirt, though that did not factor into the league’s decision on discipline.
Also, before the team left for training camp, Elliott was allegedly involved in an incident at a Dallas bar that left a man with a nose injury. Dallas police have suspended the investigation because they could not contact the victim and no witnesses came forward.
Naturally, Jerry Jones is livid with the NFL’s decision to moderately alter the Cowboys’ season. And this, of course, is the same Jerry Jones who decided two years ago to sign Greg Hardy—a man so absurdly violent that his list of crimes reads like he’s a henchman in a straight-to-Netflix hood movie.
None of this should be a surprise, since the NFL has proved that there’s room within its ranks for women beaters, alleged rapists and Pacman Jones—who has apparently become so bored with crime that he started inventing new crimes to commit. (This nigga actually spit on a nurse. Who spits on nurses?) And when Ezekiel Elliott returns from his tepid suspension—undoubtedly levied just to give the NFL the veneer of giving a fuck about domestic violence—he’ll be welcomed back with open arms (and pocketbooks).
What the NFL has no room for, however, are peaceful men who silently protest police brutality and then have the audacity to explain their protests with explosive statements to the effect of: Hey, black people kinda hate it when police shoot us for no reason, so please stop doing that. Nope. Can’t have any of that going on. Might be a distraction from all the assaulting and abusing. (Oh, and Ezekiel’s abs. Can’t forget about them too.)