HBO screenshot

The stars of this week’s episode, in no particular order, are the following:

Team Mereen: a multinational corporation first established in Essos, its main product is a silver haired, flame resistant, abolitionist. Its core staff is comprised of liberated serfs and slaves, scorned nobles, lesbians, eunuchs, horsemen and dragons.

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Uh oh. Team Mereen is in crisis…again. After successfully thwarting a hostile takeover by the Sons of the Harpy, Team Mereen acquired a few other outfits and seemed poised to quickly depose Cersei Lannister and hold a monopoly on the seven kingdoms. But in its haste to expand operations, Team Mereen neglected to be prudent and as a result, it sustained major losses after Euron Greyjoy and his armada managed to ambush their asses in open water. And while some manner of tragedy was sure to befall these niggas because it’s George R.R. Martin’s world, perhaps this particular catastrophe could have been avoided if they’d followed a few basic principles for running a successful business.

Rule 1: If You Lose It, Replace It

Ever worked at a company where an invaluable and cherished member of the team leaves and rather than replacing that person with someone of equal or greater value, the niggas in charge divvy up that person’s responsibilities among the remaining staff? Well essentially, that’s what the powers that be at Team Mereen did when they failed to find a suitable replacement for Ser Barristan Selmy. I don’t know how in the fuck they thought they were going to sail to Westeros and wage war with the Westerosi without a battle tested veteran of Westerosian warfare at the helm of their military operations. Tyrion is politically savvy but he’s no general.  Yara and Theon have never seen war — just petty skirmishes in which they usually either get beat the fuck up or captured. Ellaria Sand and Olenna Tyrell are just ruthless old hos who obtained and maintained their wealth and position by fucking while giving zero fucks. Greyworm may be capable of commanding the Unsullied but I doubt he has the experience to command the whole of the Team Mereen forces. And so with Jorah Mormant off at the Citadel afflicted with some malignant form of dermatitis, no one is actually qualified to navigate the clusterfuck in which they now find themselves.

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Rule 2: Always Conduct Thorough Employee Background Checks

Most businesses seeking to remain profitable conduct thorough background checks before bringing on personnel. Like, did Daenerys not know what Varys was about prior to bringing him on board? She isn’t wrong to question his allegiance — Varys is shady, manipulative and disloyal. His speech about his interests being the interests of people is all well and good but that kind of shit is so subjective. If a man’s actions are governed by his interests — unless they squarely align with your own (and even that’s risky) — you are a fool to keep his ass in your employ. Right now Varys believes his own interests will be served by having Daenerys on the Iron Throne. But his opinion could change, and then what? However, a man whose actions are governed by principles (honor, loyalty, truth, etc.) can usually be trusted because no matter what he thinks about what he’s doing, his ass will fall in line. Similarly, had someone at Team Mereen done a bit of due diligence concerning Yara and Theon, surely they would have learned that Theon is the type of nigga who will get you killed. He is generally terrible and devoid of any redeeming qualities. Treachery and bitch assness comprise his psychological makeup — as such they inform all his abhorrent behavior. I knew the minute Yara uttered the words, “he is my protector” that Theon would be the cause of Yara’s demise in some way. Now Yara had a hand in her own capture (more on that below) but Theon didn’t do her any favors. He will always put himself above anyone else. He knew the only way to save Yara would be for him to fight Euron and kill him. It’s a fight he would lose and he’s not the type of nigga to die trying. Team Mereen is doomed as long as he’s on payroll.

Rule 3: Institute a Zero Tolerance Policy About Dating in the Workplace

Generally, smart people do not shit where they eat. On the rare occasion where such a practice does not create widespread dissension and messiness, the parties involved are extremely discreet and maintain a level of professional responsibility in which they do not allow said practice to impede their ability to perform their job at the highest level. And as we’ve seen this week, the prospect of pussy has driven more than one member of Team Mereen to be derelict in their duties. It is so powerful that a man with no testicles abandoned his code for a taste. It is so distracting that a warrior already in possession of one couldn’t resist the temptation of trying another’s. Both Greyworm and Yara either knew or should have known that in wartime, there’s no place romantic dalliances — they only leave you vulnerable. It starts at the top though and Daenerys hasn’t been able to check her own sexual impulses when it comes to fucking her subordinates.

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Predictions: Varys’s loyalty to Team Mereen will be confronted and he’ll have to make a choice between his interests and the company’s principles. Daenerys will not sit on the Iron Throne — could this outcome be brought on by Varys’s action or inaction? Methinks if not he’s not the direct cause, he will affect this outcome indirectly. Greyworm is doomed as well. While the love he and Missandei have for one another is sweet, the realm doesn’t smile kindly on true love. This is the case even when its recipients are the most deserving of it. His weakness for Missandei will be exploited and he will perish as a result. As for Yara — I bet Euron will kill her before she even makes it to King’s Landing. If she does make it to King’s Landing, Cersei will just allow Euron to do whatever he wants with her. Ellaria and her daughter are the prizes. Cersei’s retribution is brutal and since the sand snots killed her beloved daughter, the remaining two will suffer greatly in death.

Jon Snow Stark Targaryen: King of the North. The Prince Who Was Promised. Valiant Warrior. Reluctant Ruler.

Jon Snow Stark Targaryen has earned star status for the second week in a row. Jon is the embodiment of all that is brave, noble and good. This puts him at odds with the world around him. But his humility, valor, honesty and morality still manage to inspire niggas. He’s better than my ass. I’ll admit — after Sansa’s outburst, I would have banished her to the tower until I’d dealt with all the incoming fuckery. But that’s because I can’t multitask for shit. Navigating the nonsense at large while delving into all the nuances of her insecurities and assuaging them would be impossible for me. This is why Jon is the King of North and I’m not. After Sansa’s second attempt to undermine Jon in front of the other lords, instead of punishment, Jon rewarded her with a vote of confidence by appointing her interim queen of the north while he ventures off to save the fucking day. As a result, she shut the fuck up. And while I do believe Sansa will fuck up this opportunity, I don’t think this possibility is lost on Jon. He has to know what he’s getting into. I trust he’s finagled some contingency shit off camera in the event the North devolves into disharmony and disorder during her interim reign. Speaking of disharmony, the shadiest nigga in the realm made the mistake of attempting to employ his trickery against Jon. Littlefinger runs game on niggas as a means of survival. His little ass has no other means by which he can attack or defend. But such slick talk doesn’t work on a gloomy, non-glory seeking fella like Jon. He doesn’t care for the shit worldly men covet. And while it pained me to see my boy getting choked out in the Stark’s crypt, I don’t blame Jon. Lord Baelish tried it.

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Predictions: Jon and his right hand Davos will make it Dragonstone and Daenerys will be smitten with him. He seems to be into wild chicks with strong personalities, If he liked Ygritte, he’ll love Danenrys. At some point, Jon will kill Littlefinger. Littlefinger’s biggest weakness, his unhealthy preoccupation with the Stark women, will ultimately be his downfall.  He will die fucking around with Sansa Stark…in fact they might get each other killed. As for how she will comport herself during her interim reign, I’ll confess I’m not sure how this will play out. It sounds cliché to say it could go either way but…it really could. Also, Arya is on her way to Winterfell. If she arrives before Jon gets back her arrival will make shit very interesting.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Euron Greyjoy: Jaime Lannister’s competition. Theon and Yara’s uncle. Commander of the greatest armada Westeros has ever seen.

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Euron Greyjoy is quickly becoming one of my favs. He like a thuggish version of Prince Oberyn. He’s a brash shit talker who tries niggas with little regard for their name or title. And most appealing — he does what the fuck he says he’s going to do. He illustrated this when he rolled up on his niece and nephew, demolished their fleet and took captive the woman responsible for the death of Cersei’s daughter. This will win him a bunch of points with her. And it’s a subtle dig at Jaime since he botched the rescue mission and Myrcella died on his watch. Well played Euron.

Nymeria Stark: Arya’s estranged direwolf. The baddest bitch in the seven kingdoms.

I can’t even with this bitch. Did you see the way she rolled up on Arya? She had her pack surround her while she approached stealthily from behind, all large and in charge and shit. I fucking love it! As soon as she realized her prey was in fact her former mistress her face softened. I was relieved; shit was tense there for a second. When Arya asked her to come with her to Winterfell, she seemed to take her time considering it. Even though Nymeria walked away, appearing to turn down Arya’s offer, I predict she’ll track her ass to the North just to keep her in her sights and make sure she is safe. There is no way she’d allow her to continue on her journey alone- dogs don’t really get down like that.

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Melissandre: An ancient disciple of the Lord of Light. Possessor of a magical twat. Stannis’s old bust down. Child killer.

Melly Mel is back! This time she’s freelancing for Team Mereen. She hit the ground running convincing Daenerys to summon Jon Snow Stark Targaryen so that he can catch her up on all the spooky happenings beyond the wall. She also pretty much foreshadowed that Daenerys would not sit on the throne. All she would say is that Daenerys would have a role to play.  Even though I think Mel is super wack for killing Princess Shireen, I still kinda like having her around. And let’s face it, after the mass casualties it just suffered, Team Mereen needs to exploit every advantage available to them. Employing a witch is definitely a fucking come up. I wonder if she’ll still be lurking around Dragonstone when Davos and Jon Snow arrive and if so, can they put aside their differences long enough to collaborate on a strategy to defeat the Night’s King?

Samwell Tarley: Maester in training. Gilly’s boo. Jon Snow’s BFF. Unlikely Hero.

Finally after two seasons, Sam sees some excitement. It may appear like he’s slumming at the Citadel, but he’s done two very important things in his short time there. First, he informed Jon about the dragon glass surplus beneath Dragonstone. Second, I believe his experimental treatment saved Jorah Mormont. Jorah is going to rejoin Team Mereen, They need as many skilled commanders as they can get. Especially in light of the revelations that Samwell’s daddy might be learning toward betraying the Tyrells. Plus these niggas have every wielder in King’s Landing mass producing giant crossbows so they can kill my beloved dragons.

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Carcetti Littlefinger primarily resides in beautiful Southern California where she makes a living as a developer and producer of content for television. A few of the series she's developed and/or produced have aired on Lifetime, WEtv and Bravo. Known for her extraordinary wit and general indifference toward the things that matter to most, she has been writing since she mastered the use of a giant pencil in kindergarten.