It's Thursday, which means Black America is finally recovering from all of the thirst induced (and thirst exposed) Tuesday when #BigGuyTwitter — a celebration of unusually tall and large men — led to widespread digital dehydration. (And, just in case the parchedness hadn't fully permeated, #BigGuyTwitter eventually led to #BigDickTwitter — which I will not be linking to.)
Let's forget for a moment the inanity of spotlighting and celebrating large and handsome men, which is something that already happens literally every second of every day. (What's next? An entire day for #I'mWorthSevenFiguresTwitter? Or #I'mLiterallyBarackObamaTwitter?) Instead, let's think of all the guys who deserve their own special Twitter day, but didn't fit in Tuesday's big guy bukkake. What are some great hashtags for us, er, them?
The skinny/short dudes with walrus meat and the cursed big dudes with bite-sized Snickers get all of the attention, but what about the guys whose dicks look exactly how they're supposed to look? Where is #YeahThatMakesSenseTwitter? Or #NoSurprisesThereTwitter? Perhaps even #IWasSufficientlyWhelmedTwitter?
If you're a guy with an efficient and effective skin regiment, you deserve at least a day for everyone to bask in your glow. And share restoration tips.
Sadly, this is a hashtag I could never be a part of. Years of basketball on parquet floors and outdoor pavements have left my feet looking like distended slabs of Trader Joes Turkey Bacon. I would definitely spend that entire day hating on all you soft foot niggas out there.
All you have to do to partake is literally not be a Kappa.
An underrated part of the life-long hair journey for men is finally finding the style that brings out the best you. And, if you think this is something to scoff at — that it doesn't really matter — just think of all the guys you know who'd jump from 5s to 7s if they just found the right barber and the right hair mentorship.
Lost in the never ending cold and civil war between the dark and light factions — with Steph Curry's 17-point overtime Tuesday night serving as its Cuban Missile Crisis — is the brown skinned Black man. Which is effectively Black America's Switzerland.
If you're between 5'11 and 6'2, you're not talltall, but you are tall enough to be tall enough. While no one is going to fantasize about climbing you, no one is going to not date you because you're not tall enough either. Personally, I'm thinking about starting this hashtag today. I'd totally be all up in #BaselineTallManTwitter. Which could also be called #PossessionReceiverTwitter, #BackUpNBAPointGuardTwitter, and #MedianBlackActorHeightTwitter.
For all the men who can wear a hat and not be a guy who makes people think "maybe he shouldn't wear hats." Basically, a day for men who don't happen to be me.
This is basically just a hashtag for all the #BigGuyTwitter guys who work at T-Mobile.
Years ago, a woman I knew once told me she met Flavor Flav and he had the warmest and softest hands she ever felt.
"Really?" I asked "How warm and soft were they?"
"Before meeting him I couldn't understand how he was able to sleep with actual women. After shaking his hand, I understood."
If you don't have any shots in action of you playing sports in high school or college, but you have a ton of shots of you dominating co-ed adult flag football leagues and Delta-sponsored kickball games, this is your day to shine.
A day for niggas with nice lips, I guess.
If you don't quite qualify for #PostBadBeards, but your facial hair situation is putting forth a dogged effort — basically, if you have a Keanu beard — you deserve a day. Maybe you can even link up with #NiggasWhoExfoliateTwitter and share preconditioning tips.