Think about it.

Grits always beats oatmeal. If you have a choice between grits and oatmeal, you choose grits every single time. Unless, of course, you're either a Big Sean fan or actually Big Sean. And, if this is true, you probably eat oatmeal with a fork, so you don't matter anyway.


But, oatmeal beats Cream of Wheat. If you're at a place where both are being served, you're going to get the oatmeal. Because you're not going to trust the Cream of Wheat at a place where oatmeal and Cream of Wheat are being served. Because where the hell do they do that at? That's some repugnant-ass shit. People who serve oatmeal and Cream of Wheat at the same time are the same people who work out and go home and then jump in bed with no shower.

Now, a good-ass batch of Cream of Wheat is rare. So rare that I would not be terribly upset (or surprised) if "making a good-ass batch of Cream of Wheat" eventually became an Olympic event. Well, maybe not an Olympic event. But if I turned on ESPN tonight and they snuck a half hour of competitive Cream of Wheat making between the 2015 Reebok CrossFit Games and the World Armwrestling League finals, I would not change the channel. Mainly because it would be the only time my dad would be on ESPN.

Anyway, when Cream of Wheat is made to perfection, though, it can exist as a standalone breakfast. You can have a bowl of bomb-ass Cream of Wheat and a couple pieces of toast, and be good till like 1pm. As lovely as grits can be, if a person offers me a bowl of grits — and just a bowl of grits — for breakfast, I'm going to fight that person. And then I'm going to eat the grits. Because fighting someone and wasting the grits they just made you is rude.