Historic Approaching Polar Vortex Is Just God Telling Us to Get the Fuck in the House

Illustration for article titled Historic Approaching Polar Vortex Is Just God Telling Us to Get the Fuck in the House
Screenshot: Weather Channel (YouTube)

America is American-ing like shit right now in our collective response to the coronavirus. Of course, there’s the reality that we (black people) are disproportionately harmed by it—something that makes the aggressively white protests of the stay-at-home orders less about “freedom” and more about “freedom...but for niggers to die.” But then there’s the other thing that’s happening now, where it feels like we just got...bored with it. Like social distancing is season three of Westworld and we were like “Eh. It’s cool or whatever but I’m just not into it anymore.”

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Fortunately, someone quite a bit older and wiser than literally everyone else has decided to help us be less American.

From The Washington Post:

After remaining well-behaved all winter, the mischievous polar vortex is set to thrust a lobe of frigid, wintry air south over the eastern United States, bringing snow to places in the Northeast and Mid-Atlantic and chilly temperatures from the Upper Midwest to New England.

Frost could even visit places such as northern Georgia and the western Carolinas late this weekend as the expansive cold air mass settles south and challenges records. Temperatures in many places will feel more like early March than early May.

A dollop of wintry mischief, including the potential for a few areas of accumulating snow, is also on tap along the Appalachians from North Carolina through Maine. In some areas, a coating or more of snow is possible—especially across central and northern New England late Friday and early Saturday.

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It is absurd that we need a literal act of God to stay in the house because hundreds of thousands potentially dead ain’t enough? Yes! Would it be poetic justice if one of those armed stay-at-home protestors slipped on some black ice and accidentally shot his own dick off? Yes! Would I have the greatest laugh? Yes! Would God chuckle, too? I believe so! Do I think God’s humor sensibilities are more dry and Brit-like or does he prefer Apatow-esque profane improvisation? I think Brit maybe!

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

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DISCUSSION

I mean the air quality around the tri state hasn’t been this good in well forever. The Mrs. said something yesterday that was damn true when news of this Vortex broke, God is mad and is telling us something. Stopped and thought about it and like always she is right. We have abused this planet, the people and allowed the dumbest of us to lead. I doubt The Evangelical’s will see it this way but he ain’t happy about something goin on down here