How in the Hell Are People Paying for Weddings? Vol. 2

Illustration for article titled How in the Hell Are People Paying for Weddings? Vol. 2
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In a little over a week, I will be a married man. I’m not entirely sure that I’ve fully grasped what that means yet but I also know that I do not have the time yet to even think about it. If it ain’t this thing that needs to get done, it’s that thing that needs to get done. Add in great opportunities that have to be decided upon within 24 hours (that would normally be mulled over for months) and the car battery I had to buy because one of the house vehicles went kaput, well, who’s got time to be thinking?

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Though, I still keep thinking about how gee-golly expensive weddings are. My G, WHAT THE FUCK? Bruuuuuuh.

Back in February, I asked that very question. At that time, wedding planning was in full swing but almost nothing had been secured. We’d only been engaged at that point for a little over a month. But right now? The whole event is in full swing. Tastings and cake tastings and tuxedos, and because it’s an international affair, several outfit changes will occur for the entire wedding party. I imagine it’s what Aretha Franklin felt like during her Even In Death We Slay Funeral Procession Tour. I’d totally buy that T-shirt.

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Listen. Shit costs. Whew. In my mind, I had a number. Me, myself and I agreed on said number. Apparently, the Lord thought that number was funny and was like ... let’s go on ahead and change your rap name to Panama 30 Stacks. I’m being facetious, of course, but still. It’s amazing how fast these costs really do rack up and there’s almost no way to be like, “Nope, that’s not right.” So many procured items are coming at discounts that I’m truly thankful that when I asked the question before we had even started paying for shit I didn’t really know. Now, I’m like, WHO IN THE FUCK PAYS FOR THESE THINGS FOR REAL!?!?!

My fiancee put together a budget that I was so ready to destroy. Sure, it was on Google Docs but I sharpened my fine No. 2 pencil anyway. I was ready to go to work slashing shit. Then I looked at one cost and was like, well, I guess that’s reasonable. Then another ... then another. If all of this shit is reasonable and it’s still running me the GDP of a small country like Hawaii, and I’m employed and struggling to cover it, how do folks without much do it?

I know the answer. You don’t have to spend a ton to have a nice wedding. You can find very creative ways to do every aspect of it. And truly, when I wrote the last article, what showed up in the comments were a litany of really interesting ideas. And believe you me, we implemented what we could where we could. All of the big stuff has been accounted for and honestly, none of it was more than I wanted to spend, and yet when put altogether ... well, I’m still pitching Olive Garden ... as recently as yesterday. Seriously, who can deny the unlimited salad? Put a DJ in a back corner and you already have decor.

That’s been the very sobering part of this entire process, which, ultimately I’m very much looking forward to—partying the night away with the homies and enjoying having so many family and friends gathered for a joyous occasion. Many of the costs just are what they are. You either don’t do some of that shit, or it costs more than you want, even if it’s less than you wanted to spend in the first place.

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It’s still hard for me to see weddings as a worthwhile investment even if I like how my own wedding is shaping up. My fiancee has done a really good (tireless) job putting this shebang together and I know it will be totes gorge on the actual wedding day. I just wish there was a big-ass wedding Groupon that said, take 25 percent off your whole shit. Or better, “Here’s an awesome wedding package for $79.99.” I’d be all in on that. Hell, I might pay for some other folks weddings.

And if that package came with Popeyes catering? Bruh.

But meanwhile, this time two weeks from now, I’ll be somebody’s husband and sippin’ Mai Tai’s with Ta-Ta down in Nevada, haha, Papa. Word life. None of that is true by the way, but it sounded provocative as if it might get the people going.

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To everybody who has gone through this process and not lost a home, car or deed to a CVS in the process, I applaud you.

And to those of you financially frugal compatriots like myself who rock and sway with a pillow every night over money you’ll never see again, I feel your pain. You are me and I am you.

Panama Jackson is the Senior Editor of Very Smart Brothas. He's pretty fly for a light guy. You can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking all her brown liquors.

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DISCUSSION

marthajones30
TheRealMarthaJones3.0

I don’t know what the straights are doing, but let me tell you something, the black lesbians of Atlanta are BALLING OUT OF CONTROL!!!! My cousin married her girlfriend and it was LIT!!! Not only was the space super bougie with ornate imported from Denmark foliage, but she had a open bar all night, that had liquor. And not that cheap shit either, we’re talking blue dot, Belvedere, johnnie walker blue label HO!! Five star catering, a food 1am food truck (all the food prepaid) and then an afterparty at The W. Then they went to Thailand 1st class, 5 star accommodations. And all her friends had it like that too.

Real talk if things don’t pop off for me in the next year or two, I’m going to focus all my energy of being a black lesbian’s kept ho. That’s it.