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Fuck knowledge, b.

Do you remember the movie Renaissance Man? It's the movie where Danny DeVito ends up teaching the slow kids at bootcamp in Michigan in hopes of making them not do the slow. Day very boring. Well one day while making them read…something…one of them asks what he's reading and it turns out its Shakespeare and it turns out that the students want to learn about Shakespeare and it turns out he turns the class into a class on Shakespeare. One particular girl, she stood out from the rest, poison as can be, a high powered chest…that was Stacy Dash. Another student in the class, Roosevelt Hobbs (played by Khalil Kain who is now 50[!!!!!!!]), also stood out. And in a particularly compelling bout of ironic foreshadowing lets Rago (DeVito) know that "he who increases knowledge, increases sorrow," which is a shoutout to the Bible, Eccesiastes 1:18.

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Turns out that Rago feels he's too smart to be in the dumb kids class and looks into it and of course he's on the run from the law and hiding out in the military for a warrant for selling drugs. Decent movie. You should watch it if you haven't. I give it two snaps and back. Ooookay?! Well, that bible verse always stood out to me. Such is my life and such is the case with science ruining shit. I know more. And I'm sad.

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If you spend any time on the Interwebs, you probably saw the graphic going viral of what happens to your body with in an hour of drinking a Coke. Now, to be fair, its been debated, disputed, hated and viewed in America as a bit inaccurate. Buzzfeed did their own research to see just how accurate the claims were, and even the person who created the graphic acknowledges that the facts aren't his own but taken from elsewhere that is also probably not exactly verifiable. The experts analyzing it state that it's not all completely inaccurate, just way overstated and the comparison to heroin - ya know, the part that makes you pay attention - is a bit much. Still, if it's doing 75 percent of that shit, (which let's be real, of course it is), in no way shape or form is that good for me and you, your momma and your cousin, too.

Point is, Coke by itself isn't going to kill you or fuck up your commas much in the same way that Fireball Whiskey isn't the same as drinking anti-freeze, though there were stories out there that drove that point home. But unlike Fireball, of which I took no less than 10 shots of this past weekend, the Coke news perked my ears. Here's where that whole quote comes in: I know that drinking a significant amount of any soda is not good for the soul; it is not chicken soup. However, reading the effects of what happens had an effect on my soul. Here's how.

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I'm not much of a soda drinker. In my house growing up, we almost never had soda. For a large part of my life the only time I ever consumed Coke, Sprite, or Ginger Ale, what have you, was when I was mixing it with liquor. I mean, every now and then I'd drink a ginger ale when I wasn't feeling well because home remedies and shit. It wasn't until more recently that I started drinking more Coke. I have no clue why. I can never drink an entire bottle or can and I almost always have to go to the bathroom after drinking one. And I'm not a pee-pee boy. But Coke it is. Until the other day.

I was at a restaurant and was asked what beverage I'd like to consume and I started to say Coke…but hesitated. Much like those fellows who were trying to meet at tha crossroads, I don't wanna die. I also miss my Uncle Charles. Has anybody seen Tasha-aaaaaa-aaaaaaaaa-aa? Now I'm afraid to order Coke.

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Because I know better. Or at least I know it may not be like taking heroin, but the fact that the article exists and is only being called "overstated" means that SOME SHIT IS BEING STATED. I don't like statements, yo. States rights? Fuck 'em. I live in DC because it's not a state, fam. First day we're a state, I'm moving to Puerto Rico. I never liked State Property to be real. Which makes sense because Philly is not having a great two weeks.

Point is, I have now learned more about Coke and what it does to my body than I ever cared to know and now I can't drink it anymore. Because it might not kill me…today. But it might kill me tomorrow.

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Damn you, knowledge. You have given me the sads. Now I'll only be able to drink my Coke within my rums, bourbons, and whiskeys as God intended.