Screenshot: CNN (YouTube)

My parents and I would sometimes play this game where we brought up a thoroughly unattractive and/or vaguely problematic dare (i.e.: Driving to GetGo while butt-ass naked) and then attached increasing dollar amounts to it until you finally said yes. (“Would you drive to GetGo while butt naked for $10?” “No.” “50?” “No” “200?” “Eh.” “300?” “Probably.”) Sometimes it would get a little morbid or weird or specific (“Would you trip my boss’s new baby for $1,000?”) but ultimately it was played to prove that everyone has a price. (And also that my parents might have been closet nudists.)

Anyway, the thought of Donald Trump getting indicted and arrested remains a bit of a pipe dream, like when I tell myself that eating gluten-free donuts is just like eating kale. (“But they’re gluten free though! Which means I can eat seven of them!”) But while following Michael Cohen’s testimony today, I couldn’t help but fantasize about a Donald Trump perp walk—where he’s shuffled out of Mar-a-Lago in a golf shirt and hoop shorts with McNugget crumbs falling from his cheeks and bracelets on his ghastly shins—and I started to ask myself how much I would pay to see that happen.

I started at $1,000 (definitely), just skipped ahead to $5,000 (still definitely), and then finally, after much thought, settled on a number: $17,827.16. I would pay seventeen thousand, eight hundred twenty-seven dollars and sixteen cents to watch Donald Trump perp walk.