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Who is Taylor Swift?

Taylor Swift is a transubstantiated vision board curation of inspirational quotes who happens to be perhaps the world's most famous White woman. She's also Snapchat. (To me at least.)

She's Snapchat? What do you mean?

I recognize that Snapchat is a thing that is a very popular thing. I am not unaware of its function and cultural relevance. But I have no interest whatsoever in learning more about it. Even if that knowledge might benefit me. I've officially opted out of Snapchat.

These feelings kinda, sorta mirror my thoughts about Taylor Swift. I know she is a very popular and important singer of songs and writer of songs. But if you put a gun to my head and asked me to name five Taylor Swift songs, I'd be confused that your choice to shoot me was based on such arbitrarily specific criteria. And then I'd wonder how you even got into my house. And how my bitch-ass pit bull allowed you to come upstairs without even barking. But then you'd have to shoot me. Because aside from some song that I think is called "Shake It Off" or something, I couldn't name any.


I could however name people she's been romantically linked to. Right now she's with the emo guy from Thor. Before that she was with the producer dude who I always assumed was Black because he has a Black-sounding name. (And apparently that's not even his real name! And apparently he chose that name specifically because its Black sounding!) And there's also the werewolf guy from Twilight. And then there's…eh, nevermind. You don't really care about all of this. And neither do I. She's rich and famous so she dates rich and famous men. Whatever.

Thank you for cutting that paragraph short. I was thisclose to dozing off. So anyway, why is she in the news today?

Earlier this year, Kanye West released an album that everyone cared about for like five weeks. But now, five months later, the only song on it that still matters is a song ("Panda") that wasn't even his song. This is an awkward time on Yeezus Island.


Anyway, on that album was a song ("Famous") that began with the following lines:

For all my Southside niggas that know me best
I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex
Why? I made that bitch famous

Taylor, of course, is Taylor Swift. The "made that bitch famous" part is a reference to Kanye's infamous interruption of Swift's Best Female Video acceptance speech at the 2009 VMAs.


Why would Kanye even put that on his album? I thought he wanted everyone to like him?

Every once in a while, my seven-month-old daughter will spit in my face when I'm holding her. And then she'll laugh, baring both of her tiny-ass teeth like it's the funniest thing ever. I was perplexed about it at first. ("Why does it always hit me in my right eye?" "Is there a pattern for this? Does she only do it Wednesday? Or after she's eaten avocado? Is this her way of expressing her distaste for avocado?") Until I just decided not to be perplexed anymore because she's seven months old and there's literally no "reason" that would make any sense.

This is how I feel about attempting to determine Kanye's motives for doing things.


I see. So, how did Taylor take it?

Naturally, Taylor Swift took it TaylorSwiftly. Never one to pass up an opportunity to make herself a martyr, Swift alluded to Kanye and "Famous" during her Album of the Year acceptance speech at this year's Grammys.

"As the first woman to win album of the year at the Grammys twice, I want to say to all the young women out there: There are going to be people along the way who will try to undercut your success or take credit for your accomplishments or your fame"


No one is better at this type of specifically White female performative faux melodrama — where status is cultivated and maintained through a state of perpetual exaggerated victimhood (which everyone laps up because "sad White woman" = "Let's find our fucking capes and save her!") — than she is.

You know that co-worker (let's call her "Susan") who somehow managed to use her offense at a minor breach in email etiquette (someone forgot to put an exclamation point on a sentence, which made Susan "interpret" it as a "threat") as fuel for a raise and a promotion?

Taylor Swift is Darth Susan.

Kanye, however, would later tweet that he actually reached out to Taylor about the lyric before incorporating it in his song. And that she thought it was funny and was cool with it.


Which suggests the following:

1.  They're friends. Or, rather, friendly enough to have this conversation.

2. The entire Grammy speech was an act.

3. She's more than willing to throw a friend under the bus for the opportunity to performative martyr.


Of course, Taylor vehemently denied that this conversation ever happened. And, of course, most of the country seemed to believe Taylor. Because Kanye is the scary Black dude. And Taylor, again, is Darth Susan.

So what happened next?

One advantage I presume of being romantically involved with a Kardashian is that everything seems to be recorded. Conversations, weddings, grocery shopping, sex, shits —- everything. Which means you'll never have to go without receipts. "Kardashian" is actually Swahili for "White woman with receipts." And since Kim has all the receipts, she released footage of Taylor Swift doing exactly what Kanye said she did. Agreeing to the lyrics and expressing her appreciation that Kanye reached out first before publishing them.


So she was caught in a boldfaced lie, huh? How did she respond?

With a statement — a statement that suspiciously seems prewritten — where she expressed that she never said she didn't talk to him (a lie) and never agreed to Kanye's use of "bitch."

Do you believe her?

No. She needs more people. Like, imagine the longest TSA line you've ever seen. She needs all of those people. Plus each of those people's peoples.


In fact, not only do I not believe her, I believe she's exposed herself as one of the most dangerous types of White woman.

Dangerous? How?

The stakes here are relatively low. Perhaps there might be some legal involvement because of California privacy laws, but ultimately this involves three unfathomably rich and famous and annoying people who will continue to be unfathomably rich and famous and annoying. But what Taylor did is a form of what Darth Susans have been doing since America's inception. Using the inherent empathy and benefit of the doubt her White womanhood allows her to possess — plus the reflexive need to protect and preserve the sanctity of said White womanhood at all costs — to throw a Black person under the bus if necessary and convenient.


In 2016, Darth Susans get people fired. In 1916, Darth Susans got people lynched.

What happens next?

She'll produce an album about this, win a bunch of awards, and have her Grammy acceptance speech interrupted by North West throwing a sippy cup at her. A sippy cup filled with…Lemonade! Because poetic justice.