Can you believe it? Thanksgiving is right around the corner. Look, I believe in miracles, magic, and that I can fly (with proper accessories, natch), but if you had asked me three months ago if I believed Thanksgiving would creep on a come up this fast, I’d have been like, “nah.”
Just a few short months ago, I lived in a world where this whole Donald Trump caper wasn’t a plausible thing, but today, well, you already know how that one ends. This is going to make Thanksgiving very, very interesting for many of us. See, Thanksgiving is that time when most of us in this here nation, gather up with family
and ignore how this whole shit even started and spread love (it’s the Brooklyn way) and talk shit. We eat ham, turkey ham, or turkey, and various assorted foodstuff dishes and only one person, veteran savant kitcheneer, Big Mama, gets to make the potato salad. Maybe you don’t call her Big Mama. Maybe your Big Mama passed on and Next-In-Line was required to make it, either way, nobody is bringing the suspect potato salad to Thanksgiving. And if somebody does, well, I feel sorry for your mother.
Where was I? Ah, yes. Talking shit. Thanksgiving is a time where arm-chair politicians, conspiracy theorists, and reasonable individuals all get their say while watching football, sipping the finest of brown liquors, and trying to avoid a two-days long itis/food coma combo. What this means is that, given the current mood of the country, politics, and especially the election of Donald Trump will come up. This is where you will find out that at least one, and likely, more than one person in your family voted for him. And they will have reasons. Reasons that may make give you agita. Or maybe you're the person who agrees. The possibilities are endless. Thanksgiving has been the site of many family fights (funerals, oddly, are a close second), and early departures due to family discussions.
Well, I’m here to tell you how to avoid political discussions with family during Thanksgiving, if you’re so inclined. Perhaps you are looking forward to debating with your auntie’s new boyfriend who thinks those Clintons can’t be trusted and voted for Trump and wants to Make America Great Again. Maybe you like slamming your toe in doors. Hey, man, I’m not here to judge. Do you, boo boo.
But for the rest of us, we aren’t looking forward to those convos, debates, or arguments and would just like to watch my team (Redskins) lose to the Cowboys in peace while listening to folks talk about that time when Grandma did that thing at the place.
The shenanigans, fam. The shenanigans.
(Also keep in mind, the convo is unavoidable. Just because you attempt to stop it doesn't mean it will not happen. It's going to happen. It's the happening.)
1. Just avoid it altogether.
People who voted for Trump and then tell you about it are typically trying to make a point. Or gloat. So don’t let them. If they start it up, don’t respond. If they jump in after somebody else said that it’s unbelievable that Hillary “lost to that imbecile”, they are allowed one chime in, but after that, if you engage, it’s on you. So don’t. Change the subject.
Them: “Trump is going to be a better president than Obama!”
You: “Soul music is…life!”
Them: “Hillary is evil and at least we know Trump didn’t steal secrets on her server and sell them to Drake in the Battle of Summer Sixteen with Meek Mill.”
You: “I prefer Craig Mack.”
You can really go any direction you want as long as it ain’t towards Defenseville.
2. Loud talk them and go crazy.
You might think that a person who votes for Trump is nuts. You might not be wrong. And since there is really no reasoning with a crazy person, your only recourse, really, is to match crazy for crazy.
“Trump will be the best president ever.”
“I will kill you with your eyeballs and choke you with a garter that I take off a snake that’s slithering on the sly…after the hurricane. I’m the real don dada. You will die.”
“DIE NIGGER DIE WITH THE RAPTURE OF THE SOULS OF MICHIEF IN 1993 BITCH. SOMEBODY CALL MR. DOBALINA BECAUSE IT’S ABOUT TO GO DOWN OVER HERE. MY MACHETE, CLETUS. MY MACHETE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Nobody will want to talk to you after that and may suggest an intervention, but at least you for the moment you can just mind your business, that’s all. Just mind your business.
3. Punch them dead in the mouth or square in the jaw.
Look, I can’t actively advocate for violence. That’s uncouth. And a brotha like myself is couth 60 percent of the time every time. But sometimes an argument is unavoidable and the only way to get out of it is to punch somebody dead in their mouth, then sit back down and eat your pumpkin pie like nothing happened. It happens. And it works. For one, as long as you do it without saying any words, nobody will know what to do or what to make of you aside from, “Junior is crazy.” Sure you’ll go down in family lore as the one who punched Uncle Junior, Jr. in the mouth, but it was either that or listen to an hours long argument about Trump versus Clinton and nobody wins in that scenario.
Also, if it happens to be Aunt Sadie MaePearl who is jawjacking, please refrain from putting your hands on her. She’s old and entitled to inflammatory rhetoric and remarks. She alleges that she marched with King so she’s got a right to be hostile. Also, I’m sure punching an elderly woman is a crime punishable by jail in every state. Don’t do it.
4. Break out into an impromptu #MannequinChallenge
Extra points if you already have the Rae Sremmurd song, “Black Beatles” queued up on your phone, ya know, just in case. Nobody can argue with a mannequin.
The only option that’s 100 fail-proof. It’s political abstinence at its finest. And besides, you know there will be leftovers on Black Friday, anyway. Sneak back over early, get you a plate then go on about your life listening to that new Common coaster, the 56 minute version of “Glory”, Black America Again. And while walking out, yell, “thank you for your service…we got it from here” to everybody in general and nobody in particular.