The Appropriately Chilled Kombucha Boy, with some friends at a place that is outdoors
Photo: Sarah Huny Young

It’s mid-July, which means it’s almost August, which means it’s almost fall, which means it’s almost that time of year when everything dies, which means you’ll soon be contemplating your own dwindling mortality and inevitable death. Since we don’t have much time left, we need to spend as much of it as possible living our very best alive-ass lives. Apparently there’s a whole entire Megan Thee Stallion-inspired movement devoted to doing exactly that. (There’s also a thing called a City Boy Summer, which to me sounds like you just work at an inner-city non-profit.)

But what if you can’t really deal with all of that Hot Girl/Boy Summer heat because you’re experimenting with a new charcoal-based deodorant and you’re not that comfortable being overheated around crowds yet? What if things like “moving your lips while talking to people” just seems too time- and energy-consuming? How do you live your best midsummer life then? Fortunately, I’m currently in the midst of an Appropriately Chilled Kombucha Boy Summer, and I can share some tips on how to be more like me.

1. Drink all the kombuchas, even the ones that come in bottles.

Wait,” I can hear you asking “there are kombuchas other than the ones that come in bottles?” This is the sort of question I’m here for because if you were already living your best Appropriately Chilled Kombucha Boy Summer, you’d already know you can get kombucha on tap. You wouldn’t even step foot twice in an establishment that didn’t have it. But, if you want to continue to slum with bottled kombuchas, both the Watermelon Wonder and the Guava Goodness flavors of GT’s KOMBUCHA are the best.

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2. Randomly do 20 pushups before going to an event.

Although doing this adds absolutely, positively nothing to your look, you’ll feel like your muscles are a bit bulkier than usual, which will make you walk around with your chest out and your head high as everyone (in your head) admires the musculature you (don’t) possess. You might even offer to grab things off of shelves, so people will think, “Wow. That kombucha boy with the brolic forearms is also quite magnanimous.

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3. Wear shirts while in public.

4. Record yourself doing the laziest possible workout at the gym, and then post it to social media with a hashtag like #itsGodsfault or #blamehim.

If your work out of choice is basketball—like mine is—don’t actually record yourself playing in an actual game. But wait until everyone leaves, and see how many threes you can make in an empty gym with no defense like I did!

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5. Say things like, “Are you sure that’s filtered?” and “Maybe a rug would add more heat to this room” and “Does that Uber have a changing table?”

6. Watch Euphoria.

Don’t even tell people anymore that you only watch it because it comes on after Big Little Lies and you’re too lazy to change the channel. I mean, you are too lazy to change the channel. That’s true. But even a slightly more energetic you would still watch.

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7. Sleep for 13 hours a day.

Steve Harvey caught some heat for saying that rich people don’t sleep eight hours a day, but he was right! If you’re rich with appropriately chilled kombucha, you don’t even get out of bed unless it’s to restock.

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8. Rock crooked sunglasses when at parties.

Of course, if you’ve developed a sunlight sensitivity over the past several years—like I have—the sunglasses are practical. But when people see you, they’re not going to think, “Look at that guy with the sunlight sensitivities.” Instead, it’ll be “Look at that Appropriately Chilled Kombucha Boy living his best life. I bet he has TSA PreCheck.” And if the glasses also happen to be crooked, then they’ll think, “I know that Appropriately Chilled Kombucha Boy ain’t a pimp, but his glasses have a lean. I bet he’s carrying a Container Store gift card in his wallet.”