I Bought A Mountain Dew. Here's How It Happened. Don't Buy Mountain Dew.


You know how some people make bad decisions constantly? I'm one of those people. Sometimes I get away scott free with my middle finger to the law, nigga grippin' my balls. Other times I pay tremendously.

Like, tremendously tremendously. And you know I mean it because I wrote tremendously twice and italicized the first one. That's how you know that its real.

Well, somewhere in the middle of grippin' my balls and tremendously lies the decision that I made today (or every time I go to TGIFridays and order the damn brushetta pasta, it is not good, but I get it 3 out of 5 times I go and I'm always upset at myself). I bought a Mountain Dew. But let me start at the beginning.


I didn't start out this day thinking I was going to drink a Mountain Dew. Nope. In fact, the trek the resulted in me ending up with a Mountain Dew began as a hunt for a Gatorade. At my place of employ is a room that is filled with two snack machines and 4 soda vending machines. One of those machines houses some Gatorade along with Diet Mountain Dew and other shit I generally don't drink.

I got it in my head that I wanted a Gatorade. They have this particular flavor that I adore. I don't even know what flavor it is, but its purple. Anywho, I gathered up the requisite $1.95 in change and traipsed down to the vending machine room and began placing my quarters in the machine. All drinks in said machine cost $1.50 except for the Gatorade. For some odd reason, this machine would not allow me to put more than $1.50. Try and try as I might, I was stuck with the option of a drink for $1.50 as I had no dollar bills, only change.

And then it happened. The bad decision doppler went off. I looked to my right and saw a machine that had a Mountain Dew and I said to myself, "self, you've not made a bad choice today. Now's as good a time as any."

Here's how my mind works; it's truly a modern marvel. This machine has pictures of two things on it. A picture of the drink you can purchase, and a smaller graphic of the calories of each drink.


Every single drink in this machine has "zero" calories. Every. Last. One. Except for the Mountain Dew.

Calorie count? 290.

I'm not even a health nut but something seems bad about that. And here I went buying a Mountain Dew because why not. I'm pretty sure the woman behind me judged me silently as I killed her softly with my song. I was singing, bee tee dubs.


Here's something to keep in mind about Mountain Dew. Actually a few things. When we were kids, Mountain Dew was the drink that was supposed to make guys balls shrink because of the Yellow 5 in it. Obviously they still add it since I just read the label and its there. I suppose that was a myth. But when I was young, I stayed away from Mountain Dew because cold water shrinkage was bad enough, nobody wants permanently shrunk balls because of Mountain Dew. I totally got off track here. The main point I wanted to address was this: you know you are a shitty drink when you can't even mix it with alcohol to make a good drink. I can't think of a single drink that mixes with Mountain Dew. I even googled the shit. Bupkus.

You know what did come up on Google? "Mountain Dew Mouth" Is Destroying Appalachia's Teeth.


Le sigh.

I bought a drink that is taking what little teeth an entire region has. I remember back in the day when Lil Wayne was hawking Mountain Dew.


That's all I have to say about that.

Mountain Dew is basically 4Loko without the malt liquor component. Don't drink 4Loko either.


Oh, so what happened after I bought my Mountain Dew? I drank one sip and my stomach started hurting. The worst part? I expected it because who in their right mind drinks Mountain Dew. If you go to somebody's house and they offer you a drink and its a Mountain Dew, you are absolutely going to judge them. You can bring me RC Cola. You can bring me Kool-Aid. Even Fanta, Sunny D, or Squirt. But if you bring me Five Alive or Mountain Dew, I will assume that you don't care about me or yourself. You are Walter White to me; a mad man masquearading as a decent human being who will probably kill us all.

My stomach still hurts and I haven't take another sip of my 290 calorie, $1.50 drink. I'm paying for it now and will probably pay for it all night. I hurt. My soul hurts. Hurt Me Soul.


All because I am in love with bad decisions.

Mountain Dew tried to kill me and its my fault. I'm victim blaming.

Don't dew it.

Panama Jackson is the Senior Editor of Very Smart Brothas. He's pretty fly for a light guy. You can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking all her brown liquors.

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Fiddy two of Mountain Dew.