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I do not know the name of the spider who decided to fuck with me while I was driving home last night. He looked like his name could have been Ivan. Or perhaps Svetlana. Maybe even Sharkeisha. What I do know is that this lone-wolf spider decided that he was going to play with my emotions and gaslight me for the better part of a 25-minute drive and you know what? Fuck his whole couch, fam.

Stop me if you’ve been here before: You’re driving somewhere, anywhere, minding your own damn business. Out of the blue, a spider shows his entire ass, sauntering suavely skraight across your dashboard or more boldly, dropping right in front of your face, dangling from his silky fiber in what can only be realistically called attempted vehicular homicide. I’ve been there; A spider dropped right in front of my face and when my eyes adjusted to this object in front of me, I nearly crashed my vehicle, not because I’m scared of spiders, but because I do not like surprises. And this arachnid surprised the shit out of me.

It didn’t help that he was about the size of a dolphin. No shit, I don’t even know how this ginormous cretin got into my car but he was there. For serious. OK, he may not have been as big as a dolphin. Perhaps he was smaller than a dime. Or whatever is smaller than a dime. Who cares, I pay the car note and he ain’t put in on gas.

Last night, his cousin showed up. Here’s what happened.

I had a 7:30 p.m. conference call scheduled with the pastor for my upcoming nuptials so I parked my car in the parking lot of the outlet center where I was shopping in case the pastor wanted to pray first. While we’re going over logistics of his involvement, out of the corner of my left eye I see something crawling on the window.

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It’s a spider, hoss. I’m not afraid afraid of spiders, but I just don’t rock with spiders. Especially not in my car. Spiders are assholes, like cats. They show up and fuck with your emotions because the last thing anybody wants is to feel some shit crawling up your leg while driving. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Anyway, because it’s dark outside, I can’t tell if the spider is inside the car or crawling on the outside of the window. Oh, that call I was on? Yeah, I missed the whole-ass last 10 minutes of it because of this spider. I turned on the light in the car, then opened the door. I rolled down the window and saw the spider slowly rolling down with the window. For the record, I’m not sure why I did this. Nothing good comes from rolling down the window with a spider on the window. Either it’s going to crawl further inside the car, or rolling down the window lets him in. I panicked.

When the window got all the way down, the spider crawled into the crevice that holds that window. Oh shit. I lost him. That call? Still going on. My life? In temporary shambles because I’m far from home and I have to get home with this spider in my car. Now, I like to drive with my windows down blasting my music with an arm hanging out the window. I couldn’t do that. What if the spider crawled back up and bit me?

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I’m paranoid now. We get off the call and I figure I basically need to smoke this spider out, so I did the only thing I could think of to draw out a spider who’d crawled inside the door...I started playing the most bass heavy music I could play. If he wanted to stay in the door, he was going to pay for it. I turned on Outkast’s “Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik” because of its rolling bass and because, well, that shit knocks.

Apparently this spider is with the shits because he never showed his ass on the door again, but I think I saw him pop his head up momentarily to request “Elevators (Me & U).” Apparently this spider is from down South and has good taste in music.

Mind you, I’m still about 20 minutes from home and then all of a sudden, I keep feeling shit on my legs. And ankles. And arm. I never saw anything but because this damn spider was somewhere in the vicinity, I kept thinking he was on me. He gaslighted me something awful. And I’m not a conspiracy theorist, but I think he knew he was going to gaslight me, therefore making him a terrible person. Mmmhmm.

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That 20-minute ride home was super tense and I kept worrying that the spider was gonna pop up on my dashboard and then jump on me and eat me. I managed to make it home in one piece; I’m sure you’re glad to hear that. That spider ruined my drive home.

But I lived to tell about it. Hold me.