Just the other day, some blowhard on the other side of the pond took it upon himself to state that Idris Elba shouldn’t play Bond because he’s too ‘street.’ Naturally, folks got ahold of the pull quote — I'm pretty sure Nicki clapped at him before handing back the mic — and he has promptly walked back his statements. We live to CAPS CAPS CAPS another day.
Now I’m not here to debate the racial implications of the word “street” as it relates to class in the UK – there's already been 91,000 thinkpieces on it, and I like to keep it original recipe chicken whenever possible.* What I AM here to do is make the indisputable case that Idris is not only qualified to be the next Bond — he is perhaps the MOST qualified.
I think it goes without saying that Idris is an impeccable actor with a dynamic stage presence — Stringer Bell, Luther, yadda yadda yadda. (We’ve all absolved him of his brief stint in the Tyler Perry universe — I’m assuming he got hit with a tax bill from the IRS and needed some cash fast, and a Tyler Perry movie is pretty much the accredited Black thespian version of a Vegas residency.) He’s also a Brit with a debonair accent and a firmly established “smolder into the camera” look, all required prerequisites for any potential Bond candidate.
Also, he can wear the everlasting fuck out of a suit.
Point being, effortless tailoring is certainly part of the required Bond starter kit, and if there's anything in this world a 6 foot tall Ghanaian can commit to, it's a well-fitted inseam.
All that aside, that’s really not the most convincing reason that Idris should be Bond.
Idrissa Akuna Elba should be Bond, quite simply because…
James Bond is a well-document fuckboy and so is he.
Take a second and let it sink in before you pick up the pitchforks and start throwing framed screenshots of Idris’ IMDB credentials, guys (If you think that folks haven't reacted poorly to this, go ahead and take a gander at my twitter mentions). I know people recoiled at the word street — and parsing apart the true nuance of Anthony Horowitz is a task I’ll leave for someone else — but we should really come to a consensus on his true fuckboy essence. We’ve been collectively tiptoeing this reality for about as long as your favorite auntie has refused to admit that Luther Vandross was gay, but it’s time for us to move past this stage of denial. Luckily for you all, I am here to lay out the facts as following:
1. Idris is a Ghanaian who is taller than 5'10. There is no such thing as a humble Ghanaian who is also tall. Kofi Annan is 5'9 and promotes world peace — except when he puts his Timbs on and gets that additional 2 inches.
2. Idris is a former promoter and DJ - This should go without explaining, but nothing positive has ever arisen out of a romantic interaction with a promoter. I haven't lived in Washington DC since 2012 (and was in a relationship for the bulk of my time there) and just last week I got an invite to see Bishop Magic Don Juan at Stadium. It takes a specific combination of devil-may-care ain't shitness to be able to hit the ground running as a promoter, which Idris clearly possesses in spades.
3. While you may attribute the promoter shenanigans to a former life — Idris IS currently pursuing a rapper/songwriter career under the moniker Driis. I repeat - this man is 42 waiting for his musical content to pop off.
4. He's a high school drop-out and former drug-dealer.
5. He was messing around with a reality star with a fake posterior from Memphis while his girl was barefoot and pregnant across the pond — and has a whole album subbing him to show for it.
6. Most importantly: he has a rather questionable relationship with lotion. He is LITERALLY an ashy motherfucker. At his current income bracket, the absence of cocoa butter in his life is an active choice and an inexcusable one.
All that fuckboy life experience to draw from? I can't wait to see him be emotionally stunted and incapable of carrying a reasonable romantic relationship as Bond. I can see it now…*Bond girl texts Idris* "You can't respond to text messages but you can get on Twitter?! I see the read receipts!"
I'm sure that 80 percent of the lady population would still go for a romp in the residue of Kimberly Michelle's tear-soaked sheets. Believe me, I get it — my love for Serge still holds strong despite the knowledge of at least one secret child of his. That said, it is okay to collectively admit that were it not for his accent, talent and swarthy features, King Driis would be that fella on Twitter who constantly spammed you with mixtape links and got the immediate block if he tried to slide in the DMs.
*It really irritates me that original recipe chicken is associated to the KFC brand; if there's any major franchise whose chicken recipe I DONT care to mimic, it's KFC